


Blogs and Boots

by SeegerBean



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alternate Universe - Human, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, LGBTQ Themes, My First Fanfic, Nonbinary Character, Other, Progressively Angstier, Romance, Slow To Update, punk lapis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeegerBean/pseuds/SeegerBean
Summary: Peridot begins hosting a seminar at her local college; a late visitor makes things interesting.





	1. Chapter 1

The short blonde surveyed the empty classroom, bouncing excitedly on her tiptoes. Behind her, a backpack sat overflowing with flyers and books that were more notes in the margin than anything else. According to the clock on the wall, people would start arriving in ten minutes, maybe fifteen. She took a deep breath and began to write her email on the whiteboard, then next to it, in big letters:

 **Oh Dear, I'm Queer: LGBTQIA+ 10** 1

Peridot was happy that she lived in a progressive enough area that such a class was possible to teach with minimal harassment. She was ecstatic that she was the one to teach it. Her college had even been gracious enough to allow her use of a classroom in the evenings. In the back of her head, she knew that calling it a class might be a bit much--it was an informational meeting that would continue to meet biweekly as long as people showed interest. Peridot sighed and rubbed her necklace anxiously. She hoped she would make a good impression. The last thing she needed was to goof up on something that was so important to her. She pulled out her phone, using the blank screen as a mirror to check her appearance. She frowned at her cowlick, but knew it would do no good to fuss with it. Her necklace, a green plastic triangle, hung above her chest. Her outfit looked pretty good today, she thought. A black and white striped shirt with maroon leggings and converse. She hoped it wasn't too casual.

The door behind her clicked open and she span to see who was entering. In walked a rather pale individual with pale blue clothes, pale blue eyes, and pale blond hair.

“Hello! Welcome! Hi!” Peridot babbled excitedly, trying and failing to not pour over with glee. “First things first, what's your name?”

“Sour Cream.” His voice was low and monotone, but not unkind. He pointed at the board. “I guess I'm in the right place.”

“Yes! Welcome! I'm Peridot. Do you mind if I ask what brings you here?”

Sour Cream shrugged, flopping into the nearest seat. “I figured this would be a good place to talk about some stuff that's been on my mind.”

“Oh? Figuring stuff out?”

The tiniest bit of color came into his cheeks. “Yea . . . I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, and I'm just trying to understand it better, you know?”

Peridot walked over to her backpack, searching through the seemingly endless papers before pulling out a small pamphlet decorated in grey, black, and purple. “My email is on the board in case anyone wants to discuss anything outside of meetings, but here, this might be a good start for you.” Sour Cream pulled it from her hand, flipping through it before stuffing it into his cargo shorts.

“Thanks, man. Do you know how many others are going to show up?”

“Not yet, but we'll see what happens.”

As if on cue, students and adults started to file in, one by one. By the time the class was about to start, the room held about twenty people. Sour Cream had scooted to the back to join some friends, and Peridot was pretty sure she recognized a couple of faces from around campus. Peridot took a deep breath.

"Welcome all! I'm very excited for our first meeting of the semester. I'll take care of housekeeping at the end so we can just jump right in. Today we're going to be talking about gender identity.” She grew more excited with each word, eventually waving her arms as she spoke. “For example, I identify as demigender, and I alternate between using they/them pronouns and she/her pronouns. What this means is . . ."

For about half an hour, Peridot spoke uninterrupted, gradually filling up the board with terms and charts. Some of the people were taking diligent notes, while others just stared at the board, soaking it up. At least one person had a star struck look that Peridot was all too familiar with. She was pretty sure she had that same look when she first starting learning about the multitude of identities that existed.

Peridot was mid-sentence on the gender color wheel when the door popped open violently, to which Peridot responded with a small yelp. Standing in the doorway was a slender, femme person with blue hair. The first thing that struck Peridot was that she had never seen a sundress worn with combat boots and a leather jacket before. The second thing that struck her was how utterly deadpan this person’s face was. Peridot remembered herself and addressed the newcomer.

"Hullo! Are you here for the class?"

The newcomer stared at the board, her face slowly drifting into an incredibly dry smirk. “Yeah.” They walked to the back of the classroom, crossing their arms and leaning against the wall.

“Um, what's your name?”

“Lapis.”

“Well, Lapis, there are seats available. You don't have to stand.”

“I saw.”

Peridot paused, unsure how to respond. “Oh. Okay. Well then, where was I . . .?”

When Peridot resumed, she found herself now incredibly anxious. Every time she turned from the board to face the room, Lapis seemed to be glaring at her. Or she would be, if it weren't for that strange smirk. Peridot found herself facing the board more often than not, just to avoid that gaze. Finally, a quiet timer beeped on her watch.

“Alright everyone, that's time! Now, you can email me at any time if you want to talk about anything or need clarification. We'll meet again in two weeks, same room and same time. Next meeting we'll be talking about gender expression in more detail. Have a good night!”

The people slowly filed out, one or two hanging back momentarily to ask Peridot about definitions of certain words. When they had left, Peridot noticed that Lapis hadn't moved.

“Yes, did you want to talk about something?”

Lapis didn't answer immediately, staring at the board as she sauntered towards the front of the room. When she was next to Peridot, she finally turned towards her.

“So where'd you learn this crap?” Lapis’ face was deadpan again, but there was a hint of a challenge. Up close, she was incredibly tall.

Peridot flushed red. “There's plenty of books out there, and we live in the age of information.”

“Uh huh. Let me guess, you have a blog on this stuff too.”

Now Peridot was crimson. “Does it matter?”

Lapis smiled, for real. “Relax, Shorty, you just struck me as the type.”

“What type?” Peridot turned to pack her stuff, suddenly very nervous at Lapis' cool flirting.

“All theory. You probably memorize this for fun.”

“I'm not all theory. This subject matter is incredibly important, and it affects you and me both.”

Lapis' smiled faltered. “Subject matter? Really now? Is that what I am?”

When Peridot turned to face her, Lapis was struck by how truly hurt she looked. “No you're not! I know I may seem like some anthropologist, but I wanted to teach this class because this is important to me. I won't assume what your case is, but I'm not some outsider dissecting this community.”

Lapis shuffled her feet, looking away. “Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. I just get tired of allies who know more about me than I do.”

Peridot sighed and sat on the desk. “No, I understand. That does get exhausting. Heck, even in our community you've got people telling me I'm faking it.”

“Oh?”

“I'm a demigirl. Today's more girl than demi.”

“Good old fashioned lesbian, myself.”

Peridot nodded, not really looking at Lapis. She was now suddenly very aware of how attractive this person was. “So, why'd you come to my meeting? It sounds like you were prepared for the worst.”

Lapis shrugged. “Honestly, I was prepared for a couple of laughs. That or righteous anger.”

Peridot giggled, sliding off the desk so she could finish packing. “I think I understand that feeling. Are you going to come to the next meeting?”

“Maybe. I can't lie, you did have some interesting stuff to say.”

“Well, thank you. I better get going, it's a bit of a walk to my dorm.”

“Need an escort?”

Peridot paused and shook her head. “It's late enough. You should head back to wherever you live. Thank you for the offer though.”

Lapis cracked her neck, ignoring Peridot's grimace. “Suit yourself. I'll see you around.” She left the room, and Peridot could hear her boots clipping down the hall.

On the walk back, Peridot thought about Lapis. She was rather hostile, but Peridot couldn't help thinking about her in a softer manner. She had been wearing a choker with a little blue teardrop, and Peridot was almost woozy at how well it matched her navy eyes. By the time she was at her room, she had almost talked herself into a crush.

She was so glad she didn't have to deal with a roommate. It was a little more expensive, but it afforded her privacy that she couldn't function without. Peridot slowly got ready for bed, slipping into her alien boxers and a tank top. As she sunk into bed, her phone beeped with an email.

 

> Hey Shorty
> 
> Want to get drinks sometime? Or coffee?
> 
> Lapis

 

Peridot fell asleep blushing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Date

             A week later, Peridot sat on the curb in front of the coffee shop, chewing their nails. All the anxiety of the night before had compounded, seemingly replacing any lightheartedness that they had held on to. She was going to arrive at any moment, and they had worn the dorkiest shirt possible, and she was going to laugh and—

           “Nice shirt. Digging the aliens,” Lapis called out. Peridot had been so caught in their head that they hadn’t noticed Lapis pull up next to them. She slammed the door to a ratty Volvo and loped over to where Peridot sat.

           Peridot looked up at her, feeling even more dwarfed by how tall this person was. Standing up didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Lapis still wore her jacket, despite the heat, but had now zipped it up over a cropped tank, pushing the sleeves up to her elbows.

           “Thanks. I won it at a carnival.”

           “They hand out shirts?”

           “This one did. Coffee?”

           Lapis shrugged and slid past Peridot into the dark building. Behind the counter was a girl even shorter than Peridot, which was a feat. She was grumbling to herself as she sorted through the pastries, checking her watch after each croissant. When she looked up and saw Lapis, there was a slight struggle to smile.

           “Hello, welcome to Big Coffee, how can I help you?”

           “Large Americano, please.” Lapis turned to Peridot. “I’m paying, what do you want?”

           Peridot knew better than to even begin to argue about money. “House Coffee, lots of cream.”

           Before the girl could punch in the orders, a man as skinny as the girl was short burst through the doors and flung himself over the counter, his pink hair bouncing as he landed.

           “Sorry I’m late, Sadie, but you’re gonna love this!” He rooted around in his backpack, seemingly oblivious to his coworker’s frustration. Her expression changed when he pulled out a ratty DVD with a crudely drawn vampire on the cover.

           “ _The Rotten Forgotten 4_? Lars, where’d you find this?”

           “Let’s just say I knew a guy.”

           “Lars.”

           He rolled his eyes. “Fine, I got it off eBay.”

           Sadie stuffed the DVD behind the counter, grinning, before turning to make the drinks. Lars leaned over the counter, making no motion to help.

           “Hey, have I see you around campus?” He pointed at Peridot.

           “Maybe? Do you go to BCU?”

           “Yea, I commute. Just taking some business courses. You?”

           “Sociology major,” they declared proudly. Lars looked over at Lapis, who simply shrugged. Peridot and Lars waited for an answer, but when it became clear that none would be given, he grabbed a mop and started cleaning by the espresso machine. Sadie handed the two their drinks, and they headed to a booth in the corner.

           For the first few minutes, Peridot stared down at their drink, not sure what to say. Lapis slugged back her coffee, seemingly unhurt by the scalding liquid.

           “So, what do you have planned for your class?”

           Peridot blinked a few times, startled by the sudden conversation. “Um, I was thinking about moving into some of the different sexualities. I’m just starting off with terminology, getting everyone familiar with the vocabulary before we start dissecting larger ideas.”

           “What ideas are those?” Although Lapis appeared as blasé as ever, Peridot knew that they were being interviewed, more or less.

           “Oh, you know . . .” Peridot stammered, suddenly forgetting the entire year ahead of them. Lapis patiently drank her coffee. When Peridot finally forced the words out, it felt like a squeak. “Ways for our community to support each other, stop infighting. Ways to push back against intolerance.”

           Lapis’ grin scared Peridot. “Pushing back is fun.”

           “Fun?”

           “Definitely. Nothing like getting back at those losers.”

           Peridot stared at Lapis, trying to see if there was any hint of sarcasm. None. They shook their head and took a big gulp of coffee. “I meant more like challenging bigoted language and fighting for better laws, but sure, I guess.”

           Lapis leaned forward, resting her head on her arms. “You have a problem with punching out bigots? They’d do worse to us if they could.”

           “I know. I just don’t think I could do that stuff. By all means, you do your thing, I’ll do mine.”

           It took Peridot a moment to notice how intently Lapis was staring at them. They shrunk back, feeling even smaller. “What?”

           Lapis broke out into a huge grin. “I like you. Most people don’t get it.”

           “Get what?”

           “Punching assholes. They usually tell me that I’m as bad as the bigot, or some bull like that. Or they’re just looking for a fight.” Lapis threw her head back, emptying out the last of the coffee. “Yea, I like you.”

           Peridot didn’t say anything, trying to will themselves to not blush. It didn’t work, and Lapis’ smile grew even wider. “You blush a lot. It’s cute.”

           Peridot swore that their vision began to swim. People didn’t flirt with them, especially people who wore leather jackets and beat up bigots for fun. “I guess,” they mumbled. They buried their face in their drink, suddenly fascinated with it. When they had calmed down, they looked up to find Lapis staring again, albeit much less intensely. This wasn’t dissection anymore. Now she was studying.

           “So, apart from this class, what do you do for fun?”

           “I’m not great at it, but I guess I’m an artist. At least, I make sculptures and stuff. Super modern trash. Oh! And I adore trashy sci-fi.”

           “Lemme guess,” Lapis grinned, looking at Peridot’s shirt, “old space flicks?”

           “Absolutely! Ugh, I love the excitement, how they launch into the most unknown of unknowns!” Peridot sighed dreamily, thoroughly lost in visions of sleek spaceships and shoddy costumes.

           Lapis nodded, but her mind was somewhat disconnected. There was no denying that Peridot was probably the geekiest person she had ever met. Still, it was a breath of fresh air, considering some of the people she had dated. And although she teased them about it, she really did think Peridot was cute. Their eyes sparkled when they got excited, and their hair was a fluffy mess. They were . . . well, they were soft, in every sense of the word, and Lapis had never experienced anything like that before. It amused her, certainly, but not in the cynical way that so many other things seemed to.

           “Would you ever want to go catch a movie sometime?” Lapis surprised herself with the offer. Usually second dates didn’t appear on her mind until well after the first one.

           “Sure, did you have one in mind?” Peridot too surprised themselves. The two had barely been talking for five minutes, and they were already agreeing to more of this person. Before Peridot could process the barely formed idea, they decided to surprise themselves again.

           “Or,” they stammered, interrupting Lapis’ recommendation, “we could go to my place and watch some of the old ones. I have a pretty decent collection.” Crap! Inviting her back to their place so quickly? Hopefully she didn’t get the wrong idea.

           Lapis pursed her lips. Was Peridot angling at something? Based on the way their face immediately went pale, probably not. “Sure, why not? This weekend okay?”

           “Yes! Definitely!” Peridot nearly fell out of their seat. “Saturday?”

           Lapis giggled, and Peridot felt themself grow at least 75% gayer. “Sure. Five?”

           “Five’s good!” Peridot managed to calm down somewhat, although Lapis’ continued laughter did nothing to help.

           Shortly after, the two left the coffee shop. The baristas were too engrossed in a conversation about the merits of the _Teddy Terror_ prequel to notice. Outside, a stiff breeze had picked up, pushing low-hanging clouds over the sun. Any visitors would have been wary of rain, but the citizens of Beach City knew that the clouds were the wrong color, and the wind didn’t carry the proper chill.

           Peridot and Lapis kept talking, now about school. Lapis briefly mentioned that she wasn’t in school, but refused to mention anything else. Peridot didn’t push. Lapis had a boundary, and Peridot was still an outsider to be treated with caution.

           After an hour of small talk, they wound up back in front of the coffee shop.

           “So, I’ll offer again,” Lapis said, twirling her car keys around her finger, “want a lift back to your dorm?”

           “It’s not too far out of the way?”

           “Nah. Beach City’s tiny enough, nothing’s out of the way. Besides, I only live, like, ten minutes outside of town.”

           Peridot nodded and crawled into the passenger seat. Inside, the car was cluttered, but otherwise clean. The entire backseat was stuffed with books and papers on various religions, and the rearview mirror was weighed down with every sort of amulet and medallion. The largest by far was an evil eye medallion, a large blue ellipse with a depiction of a baby-blue eye in the middle. Lapis slipped into the car and rubbed it absent-mindedly.

           “Hey, mind if we listen to some music?” Lapis’ seat was so low and so far back that she practically had to reach for the wheel.

           “Sure, what did you have in mind?” Peridot wasn’t sure what to expect. Lapis seemed as likely to play Rage Against the Machine as avant-garde jazz. To their surprise, crackly static filled the car only to be cut through by a banjo’s picking. Soon, Pete Seeger was singing about unions and scabs. Peridot looked at Lapis incredulously.

           “What, you wanted the Sex Pistols? This goes just as hard.” Lapis kept her eyes on the road, mouthing along silently to the song.

           Soon enough, they were back at Beach City University. The dorm, a redbrick affair, stretched out in front of them.

           “Guess this is my stop.” Peridot was loath to go; they could have cheerfully spent the whole day with this blue-haired girl.

           “Guess so.” Lapis was as inscrutable as ever. Peridot’s mouth twisted slightly to the side. They were disappointed at her lack of response, especially considering how well the day had gone. They slipped out of the car, closing the door delicately behind them. They had barely gone five steps before the Volvo’s horn made them jump several feet in the air. When they turned to look, Lapis flashed a peace sign, winked, and teared out of the parking lot.

           Peridot sighed, much less disappointed. Lapis was not nearly as icy as she wanted to be. Humming a tune from some kid’s show half-forgotten, Peridot made their way inside.

          

           When Lapis got home, she immediately flung herself onto her bed, groaning loudly into her pillow. She had not been prepared for the influx of emotions that had slammed into her on the drive home. Seemingly every time she blinked, she could see the little nerd blushing. Lapis knew that it was just infatuation, but it frustrated her nonetheless. She didn’t like feeling this way. It was far too similar to how she had originally felt for Jasper, and that had gone about as awfully as a relationship could. No, infatuation was a useless, fluffy feeling.

           _But I feel so comfortable with her._

Lapis balled up her fists and groaned even louder. Saturday was going to be torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to my girlfriend for helping with characterization . . . she's the one who introduced me to Steven Universe.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lateness with this chapter! Enjoy!

            Sunday through Thursday, Peridot focused entirely on homework and house-cleaning, sorting their sculptures based on how well thought out they were. The film library was re-alphabetized, and every bit of dirty clothing they could find was promptly washed.

            Friday, they did not get out of bed until 1.

            Peridot grumbled and pulled the blankets up over their face, momentarily enjoying the cool fabric before it absorbed too much body heat. They hated feeling like this. Yesterday they had been totally fine, cleaning up a storm and humming what they could remember of the song Lapis had played in the car. Today, they had woken up to a bundled mess of clouds sitting heavily on their chest. The blinds had been left closed, and they hadn’t showered despite probably needing one. In short, they felt like garbage.

            Their phone buzzed and Peridot grunted to themself, working up the energy to grab the phone. When they did, it was a message from their friend Amethyst, asking why they weren’t in class. As if she didn’t know.

            _No, that’s not fair. She doesn’t know my moods. You have to be clear._

            Peridot asked Amethyst to come over with a cup of tea from the cafeteria. It would be all the explanation Amethyst needed.

            Minutes later, there was a thud on the door. Amethyst never knocked, preferring instead to kick the door to announce her arrival. Peridot shuffled over to the door, smiling weakly when Amethyst barreled in.

            “Hey, thanks. Appreciate it.” Peridot gingerly sipped the steaming tea.

            “No problem, dude. Sorry you’re not feeling well.” Amethyst sat down on the foot of the bed, looking up at Peridot.

            When the two had met freshman year of college, they had originally rubbed each other the wrong way. Peridot was even more socially awkward back then and had ended up accidentally insulting Amethyst on multiple occasions, while Amethyst had tended to overwhelm Peridot. As they had each grown, however, the two ended up close friends, always able to make time for each other despite different majors and hectic schedules.

            Peridot looked at Amethyst and silently noted how unlike Lapis she was. Where Lapis had the body and communication skills of a scarecrow, Amethyst was closer to Peridot’s size, albeit a bit larger, and far more talkative than anyone Peridot had met before or since.

            Peridot sat down next to Amethyst, leaning into her slightly. “Just one of those mornings. I really hope I feel ok by tomorrow.”

            “Why, anything special happening tomorrow?”

            Peridot flushed when they realized that they hadn’t told Amethyst yet about their week. “Yeah, you could say that . . .”

            Peridot began to recount their week, quietly. Amethyst, for her part, responded completely appropriately.

            ”DUDE! You just _now_ remembered to tell me about the possibility of a new lady-friend? I’m hurt!” Amethyst draped herself backwards over Peridot, sighing dramatically.

            “No, Ammy, it’s nothing serious yet. We’ve only been on one date.”

            “And y’all immediately agreed to have another one within the week. Bruh. I know I missed the first class, but if I wasn’t going to come already, I’ve got to come now and get a look at the honey who’s got you blushing.”

            Peridot sighed and flopped face first into the bed.

            “Have you eaten yet?”

            A muffled “no” came from Peridot.

            “Have you showered?”

            This elicited the same response.

            “Right.” Amethyst stood up and violently tugged on the sheets, causing a loud yelp as Peridot fell to the floor. Amethyst shoved them into the bathroom and called for a pizza. While she waited for Peridot to finish showering, she sat, thinking. From what she had heard, this girl was way outside of Peri’s comfort zone. She just hoped Lapis was good to them.

 

Lapis’ week had been the exact opposite of Peridot’s. When she wasn’t at work, she was plucking at her guitar or sleeping. Friday, however, the panic she had been trying to push down decided to break down the door and throttle her. As a result, most of her Friday focused on choosing the perfect outfit. Something casual, but good looking. Luckily, everything matched her jacket. Even then, should she wear some of her pins? Or should she be a little plainer? Should her hair be up or down? Maybe both?

            Lapis yelled something incoherent and slumped to the floor. Her dog, a runty mutt, nosed her in concern.

            “I’m fine, Pumpkin. Thanks anyways.” Sighing, she scooped up the dog in her arms, absent-mindedly petting him as she stared at the floor. Was she moving too fast with this person? A barbed knot began to form in her stomach as a familiar panic began to crawl up her spine. A cold voice seemed to echo in her ears.

           “ _You’re too messed up. You’re just going to scare her off._ ”

           She hugged Pumpkin tight, grinding her teeth. “No, I won’t.”

           “ _You saw how uncomfortable you make her. You’re going to mess something up, just like every other time._ ”

           Lapis punched her thigh, hard. Pumpkin began to softly lick her cheek, and Lapis couldn’t help but cry. She was terrified of Peridot and didn’t know what to do about it.

 

           Saturday evening, Lapis found herself in front of the dorm, confused. There seemed to be only one entrance, and Lapis pushed her way inside, praying that she wouldn’t get tackled by hyperactive security. Instead, she found a girl even thinner than she was sitting behind a desk full of monitors, each displaying some hallway deep in the building. The girl had a thin, sharp nose, and a pixie cut that had been swept back. Despite her pastel outfit, the girl seemed to be nothing but edges.

           The girl looked up at Lapis suspiciously. “Yes? Is someone coming to get you?” Her tone was somehow even less friendly.

           “Yea, Peridot. She should be coming down soon.” Lapis leaned against the wall opposite the girl’s desk. “I just texted her, I’ll be gone soon.” The girl muttered something under her breath and turned to the monitors, her eyes flicking back and forth between the glowing screens. On her finger was a gaudy pearl ring that she anxiously rubbed.

           “Nice ring, who’s the lucky guy?” The girl looked up at Lapis with an expression of pure disgust.

           “No lucky man, sorry.”

           “Oh, lucky girl?”

           Her expression softened, but the girl still looked discomfited. “There’s no one. Just a silly gift from an old friend.”

           Lapis raised her eyebrows. “Not a lot of people would call a pearl that size ‘silly’.”

           “My name is Pearl,” the girl sighed. “One year for my birthday it was a pearl necklace. The year after she got me a book on art, with _Girl with a Pearl Earring_ bookmarked.”

           “She sounds like a riot.”

           “She’s a bit much, but yes, she’s pretty fun.”

           A few moments of silence ticked away before Pearl spoke again.

           “So how do you know Peridot?”

           “She’s teaching this class and I talked to her after. You?”

           “She was in a few of my freshman classes. Smart girl. I remember how awkward she used to be."

           Lapis stifled a laugh. “Used to be?”

           Pearl snickered. “Oh, yes. First time we ever talked she made some foot-in-mouth comment about how surprised she was to see a ballerina in such a serious class.”

           “Wow. I honestly wouldn’t expect that, seeing her now.”

           “Like I said, she’s grown up considerably.”

           Before the conversation could continue, the nearby elevator dinged and Peridot launched out. Her hair was even messier than usual, and flip-flops that were two sizes too large barely hung to her feet. Lapis could feel the warm glow in her stomach again.

           “Very stylish, Peridot,” Pearl wryly noted from the desk. “You’re good to go, just make sure she signs out when she leaves.”

           “Thanks, Pearl!” Peridot beamed up at Lapis, but Lapis noted that her smile was a tired one. “Ready to go?”

           “Ready as I’ll ever be, Shorty.” They stepped into the elevator, where Peridot tried desperately to pat down her hair.

           The walk to her room was a long one. The elevator stood at the opposite corner of Peridot’s room, and the halls were long and narrow. The building seemed ancient to Lapis, even though she knew that it was only a hundred years old or so. All the doors were warped, and strange stains frequented the carpet.

           Peridot’s door looked like all of the other doors, even a little worse for wear. Behind the doors, Lapis found a geek’s paradise.

           One whole corner of the room had been plastered in posters for old alien movies, exactly what Peridot had described at the café. Under an old TV, an equally beat-up cabinet was overflowing with DVDs and VHSs of every possible sci-fi movie, good and bad. The only one that immediately stuck out to Lapis was a box set for _Camp Pining Hearts_.

           “Really?”

           Peridot blushed. “I like the characters.”

           “Right.” Lapis kept looking around, not sure if she was impressed or overwhelmed. Every inch of the room seemed to be exploding with Peridot, from the rainbow bed sheets to the dinosaur models sitting on her textbooks. In the farthest corner of the room, Lapis discovered Peridot’s sculptures.

           Well, she hadn’t been lying. They certainly were . . . “modern”. Scraps of metal and plastic stuck out at strange angles from a toilet seat; behind that was a busted laptop covered with a collage of yellows and blues and pinks, traced in white.

           Peridot slowly walked over to Lapis, trying not to appear nervous. Only a few of her closest friends had seen her sculptures.

           “So, what do you think? I just throw them together when I’m bored.”

           Lapis looked down at Peridot, who was practically shaking. She smiled.

           “I like them. They’re really weird.”

           Peridot beamed and turned to go grab a movie, turning on the TV.

           “Is _The Cluster_ ok? The effects are horrible, but the plot’s actually pretty wholesome.”

           “Sure.” Lapis sat on the floor, leaning against Peridot’s bed. Peridot shoved in a tape, turned off the lights, and sat next to Lapis as the room filled with a blue glow.

           For the first twenty minutes or so, the two refused to touch each other, their arms awkwardly folded into their laps. Peridot sat with her knees under her chin, and Lapis’ legs were crossed away from her companion. As the film began to introduce the monster, however, they became more engrossed, forgetting about that invisible inch between them. By  the halfway point, Lapis had her arm around Peridot, who was leaned up against her quite comfortably.

           Peridot looked up at Lapis, who was utterly entranced with the film. The screen reflected in her blue eyes, and, although she couldn’t tell in the light, Peridot swore she thought she saw a tear.

           Lapis paid no mind to the girl staring up at her. This film, almost three times as old as she was, and probably produced for all of $10, was true art. The dialogue flowed like water, and the monster, who tried so desperately to control herself, was heartbreaking. By the end of the movie, any doubt of an errant tear on Lapis’ face was removed.

           “So . . . what did you think?”

           “Oh my god, that was amazing.” Lapis sniffled and wiped her face. “Ugh, do you have a tissue or something?”

           “Sure, let me get a washcloth.” Peridot ducked into the bathroom while Lapis leaned against the bed, sighing heavily. She had figured that Peridot would choose something schlocky and lighthearted.

           “Here.” Peridot leaned down, gingerly handing Lapis the cloth. With her kneeling and Lapis sitting, the two were finally eye to eye. There was a pause as they looked at each other. Lapis hadn’t noticed how green Peridot’s eyes were, and felt her cheeks grow especially warm. It was only a light blush, but Peridot toppled forward off of the cliff she had been standing on, and kissed Lapis.

           It was barely a kiss, to be perfectly honest. Peridot barely brushed her lips against Lapis, but the two of them both felt tremors beneath them.

           Lapis shot up, wiping her mouth.

           “What was that?”

           Peridot blinked, confused.

           “A kiss, I think?”

           “You didn’t even ask permission!”

          “I’m sorry! I just—”

          “No. I’m leaving.”

           Lapis turned and bolted out the door, her boots slamming down the hall, her breath coming out in short, ragged bursts. Whatever had just happened was too much too fast. Whatever safety Peridot had offered had suddenly shattered. Now, she was just another part of the larger world that could hurt her. She rushed out of the building, ignoring Pearl’s confusion. She jumped into her car and sped home, trying not to cry and failing miserably.

           Peridot sat on the floor, looking at the door. At first, all she felt was shock. Of all the ways this night was going to end, this had not been one she had foreseen, even at her most pessimistic. How badly had she messed up?

         After the shock faded, Peridot crawled into bed, not bothering with pajamas. She was a failure, and failures belonged in bed, not bothering the rest of the world. Low, deep sobs shook her frame as she buried her face in her pillow. How badly had she messed up?


	4. Chapter 4

           There was a gentle knock on Peridot’s door. They buried their face deeper into their pillow, groaning. What time was it? What day was it?

           A cursory glance at their phone showed that it was noon, Sunday. That made sense: they hadn’t fallen asleep until about three from all the crying.

           The knock came again, just as gentle. Should they answer the door? Maybe if they just ignored it, whoever was knocking would go away and leave Peridot to rot in peace.

           There was a pause for maybe a minute or so, and the knocking resumed, still gentle but a bit more urgent. Peridot groaned and shuffled to the door. Better let someone know they weren’t dead.

           Peridot was greeted by a figure a head taller than Lapis or Pearl, staring down with no discernible expression on their face. Usually Peridot would be happy to see them, but they barely had the energy for the tiniest of smiles.

           “Hey, Garnet. How are you?”

           Garnet did not answer, but nodded and smiled, their expression blocked somewhat by a large pair of reflective aviators. Even though Peridot had known Garnet as long as they had known Pearl and Amethyst, they could still count on one hand the number of times they had seen Garnet’s eyes. It was a privilege afforded to only the closest of friends, and even then, only sparingly. If you did happen to be lucky enough, you’d be greeted with one eye that was sky blue and one eye that was dark blue enough to be almost purple. Somehow, Peridot had managed to not say anything offensive to Garnet that first time, if only because they had been stunned into silence.

           Peridot stared up at Garnet, who only stared back. After a moment, they sighed and held the door open for their friend, who quietly walked in and sat down cross-legged in front of their bed.

           “I heard a bit of a fuss last night.” Garnet’s voice was low and unrushed, measured out by their soft British accent.

           “Yeah, I guess you could call it that.” Peridot stared down into their lap, rubbing their hands back and forth slowly. “Has Amethyst told you anything yet?”

           “Yes, she and Pearl are quite excited for you. Although Pearl is a little confused by what happened last night, said that your new friend ran from the building. What happened, Peridot?”

           Peridot began recounting the previous night’s events, their voice growing thicker with tears until they could barely tell Garnet about the kiss. Garnet quietly sat down next to Peridot on the bed, hugging them close. Peridot buried their face in Garnet, their hiccupping sobs barely muffled. After a moment, Peridot pulled away, sniffling.

           “So, yeah. I met an amazing girl, and I’m pretty sure I blew it, forever. I have no idea what to do.”

           “Well, you were wrong to just assume she’d be ok with a kiss. But I doubt you ruined it forever. Give her time and space. She’ll come around, I’m sure of it.”

           Peridot leaned again into Garnet. “You’re always so sure of everything.”

           “Just part of my charm. Now come on, let’s get you out of here for a bit. Do you want to see Amethyst or Pearl today?”

           “Yes please. Maybe they’ll have something to add.”

           Garnet chuckled. “Most likely.”

 

           “Uh-uh, next time I see her, I’m kicking butt! Ain’t nobody gonna bail on my girl Perry like that!”

           Peridot winced slightly, and Amethyst immediately noticed.

           “Sorry! Ain’t nobody gonna bail on my friend Perry like that!”

           “It doesn’t matter, Amethyst. She did bail, and it’s my fault.”

           “Not necessarily, Peridot,” Pearl interjected. “Perhaps she has had some unpleasant past relationship that you reminded her of. It’s important to not assume that you are at the center of this narrative.”

           Peridot grumbled and tugged on their hair. Garnet had wrangled the four of them to the nearest park, where they sat at an ugly concrete table with cups of tea in their hands. Peridot sipped theirs gingerly like Pearl did, while Garnet and Amethyst seemed impervious to the scalding liquid.

           “Geez, Pearl. ‘Not the center of this narrative’? This is Peridot’s broken heart we’re trying to fix!”

           Pearl scoffed at Amethyst’s outburst. “All I’m saying is, we don’t know the full picture. Peridot, you don’t know what life she had before you. What may have been a simple kiss for you might have been something much more profound for her.”

           Peridot slumped down. “That makes it even worse. What if I hurt her really bad? What if she never wants to see me again? I know I’ve only known her for a week, but I really liked her. I feel like such a clod . . .”

           Amethyst rubbed Peridot’s back softly. “Look, dude. Maybe you goofed a little with that kiss.But it’ll be ok! It’s like Garnet’s been saying. She’ll come back eventually. Maybe she’ll even come to the meeting on Monday.”

           Peridot fell from the bench like they had been shot. “The class! I’ve been so focused on Lapis that I completely forgot to prepare!” Before the other three could object, Peridot was tearing off back towards campus.

           Garnet smiled. “It’ll give them something to focus on besides Lapis. It’ll be good for them.”

           “I don’t know,” Amethyst mumbled. “If she doesn’t show up, it’ll crush Peridot even more. Ugh, I’m so angry at that girl!”

           “There’s nothing your anger can do, Amethyst,” Garnet said. “This is between the two of them. We need to not interfere.”

           Pearl tapped her fingers on the table, looking off after Peridot. “Amethyst is right though. Peridot hasn’t ever really had any sort of experience with relationships. This is their first time going through any of this, and it’s bound to be rough. Maybe I should talk to them privately, share my experience.”

           Amethyst snorted. “No offense, Pearl, but you’re not one to talk. All they’ll learn from you is how to be a Disaster Gay.” Pearl sunk her head into her arms, refusing to argue with how painfully right Amethyst was. Garnet just smiled their inscrutable smile.

 

           For the rest of the day, Peridot did what they loved best: research.

           The internet was, frankly, the epitome of man’s creative genius. All the information that could ever possibly exist was a hair’s breadth away from Peridot at any given moment, and all they had to do was be patient.

           Peridot slouched in their seat, water bottles and coffee cans lined up in a sort of shrine around their computer. Twenty tabs of drag kings, queens, and other fabulous royalty filled up their monitor, and their phone was ready to look up any words that they were not familiar with.

           Although they knew they shouldn’t, they played Pete Seeger softly in the background while they studied. It hurt, yes, but there was something amazingly hopeful in his music that calmed them. He sang of revolt, of the world joining together in triumphant harmony over the hatred and strife that plagued mankind. Although he sang about miners and unions in a world removed from their own, Peridot couldn’t help but feel that his message of united strength was rather applicable to everything they had faced.

           By about 3 a.m., Peridot was finished with their notes. They had even been able to put together a simple slideshow to help provide visual examples of gender expression. They sighed and leaned back in their seat, content. However, as the old folk music faded out into a hissing crackle, an ugly little shiver went up their back.

           What would happen if Lapis did show up?

 

           Lapis had spent most of Saturday on her guitar, desperately trying to calm down. Usually an hour or so of playing was enough to at least distract her. Instead, she could barely focus on the simplest of chords, messing up songs that she had learned years ago. Frustrated, she threw the instrument on her bed and sat down next to it. Pumpkin looked up at her, whining softly.

           “I’m fine. Just . . . clouded up.” Lapis laid back, staring at the blank ceiling.

           When Peridot had kissed her, she had loved it. It was the smallest, most chaste thing possible, but it was somehow a million times more exciting than any other kiss she had had. Was she angry that Peridot hadn’t asked permission? To be honest, it was only a minor point in her head. No, it was the fact that Peridot was capable of kissing her in the first place. She knew how irrational she was being, but she couldn’t help it.

           She hated feeling responsible to anyone. If she continued forward with Peridot, eventually talk of a relationship would come up. It was better for everyone involved if Lapis didn’t go down that road again. Even though she knew that Peridot was about as far from Jasper as one could get, it still wasn’t far enough. Any serious relationship felt like someone was clipping her wings; Jasper had made her feel like she was being crushed by the weight of the ocean, barely able to see the sun from how far down she was. What had started off as mild bullying had quickly grown terrifyingly possessive, until, one day, Jasper had decided that they needed to talk about their issues. Lapis wasn’t able to leave her apartment for three days. Even though she never laid a finger on her, her mere presence was a threat to Lapis. After that, Lapis had vanished in the night, praying to whatever gods there were that Jasper would leave well enough alone. Apart from a few ugly phone calls, she surprisingly had. Still, Lapis would often wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares about Jasper’s iron grasp wrapped around her wrists again, making her feel like a rag doll at the hands of a particularly cruel child. On those nights, Lapis would call Pumpkin into bed with her, trying hard not to hyperventilate.

           Lapis looked at her phone’s calendar and growled loudly. Monday was Peridot’s next class. Should she go? If she did, maybe she could talk to them and explain—

           _“Explain what? That you’re a coward? That you’d rather be lonely and miserable than put yourself out there for anyone else?”_

           Lapis balled up her fists and beat her mattress ineffectively. There was no way she could talk to Peridot. Not yet, anyways. She would wait a little longer, maybe attending the next meeting. Right now, Lapis just needed to catch her breath.


	5. Chapter 5

           The meeting went off as smooth as Peridot could hope for. Sour Cream had again shown up early, this time introducing some of his friends to Peridot: Buck was an old friend of Sour Cream who had come to learn more about his friend’s world, and Jenny was pansexual and as proud as could be. Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet had also shown up, along with even more people than the first meeting. Peridot went through their slideshow with no hiccups, and was able to have a quick but productive question-and-answer at the end of the meeting. The room slowly emptied until it was just Peridot and their three friends. They sank into a chair, looking blank.

            “I guess I did mess it up forever.” Pearl looked anxiously at Garnet, who frowned but said nothing. After a moment of silence, Amethyst groaned and whipped out her phone.

            “Right. Says here that the nearest bar is only twenty minutes away and is open until one. Peridot, you down to forget your sadness?”

            Peridot bit their lip. Usually, such a blatant invitation to drunkenness would make them rather uncomfortable. However, after the weekend they had had, now coupled with this . . .

            They turned to the other two. “Garnet, Pearl, do you guys want to come?” The two tall figures looked at each other, shrugged, and nodded. “Great. Let’s go be miserable.”

            “That’s the spirit!” Amethyst whooped loudly and they all walked down to Pearl’s minivan. Peridot slumped into the backseat with Garnet, while Amethyst immediately set to criticizing Pearl’s CD collection.

            “Ugh, do you have anything that isn’t a thousand years old?”

            “Amethyst, Wham! is timeless. This is my car, my music. Besides,” she muttered, “they are _not_ a thousand years old.”

            “Snoozeville.”

            While Amethyst and Pearl bickered in the front seat, Garnet quietly held Peridot’s hand. Peridot closed their eyes and smiled. They couldn’t have asked for a better group of friends.

            The bar was a dive, and Peridot loved it. The seats were broken, the walls were covered in writing, and the drinks were cheap enough for four college students to not worry. The bartender, a burly man who never seemed to stop smiling, quickly got the four their drinks: Amethyst a shot of whisky, Pearl a hard cider, Garnet a gin and tonic, and Peridot an IPA. They toasted, and the night began.

            For the next couple of hours, the four sat at the bar, their conversations quickly leaving Lapis to instead focus on such important distractions as when the newest season of _Camp Pining Hearts_ was going to come out and why it would inevitably be better than the last season. By midnight, Pearl and Amethyst were leaning against each other, and Peridot giggled at everything in the bar. Garnet barely seemed affected.

            The sound of someone tapping on a microphone filled the small bar, and every head turned to the corner of the room, where the bartender stood on a slightly elevated platform.

            “Alright folks, before last call, we’re going to have a midnight performance from one of our regulars. Give it up for Lapis Lazuli!” There was a smattering of applause as he walked off stage, and Lapis got on after him, smiling from behind her guitar.

            “‘Ey, Peridot,” Amethyst slurred, “she has the same name as that girl you kissed.”

            Peridot giggled. “I think it is the same girl I kissed.” They squinted, combatting low light and somewhat blurred vision. “Yessir, that’s her!”

            “She’s cute, Perry, good job!”

            “No, bad job, remember?”

            “Oh yeaahh . . .” The two stared at each other and broke out into obnoxious laughter. Pearl slipped her arm around Amethyst’s shoulder, leaning forward conspiratorially.

            “I told you she was cute, Amethyst. Garnet, didn’t I tell her?”

            “I’m sure you did.”

            “I did tell her!” Pearl looked proud of herself, swaying gently.

            There was a shush from the bartender, and Lapis began to play.

            Within moments, the three giggling friends were holding back tears. Certainly the alcohol was affecting their mood, but Lapis’ music would have probably brought a tear to their eyes anyways.    Peridot was especially surprised at how different it was from the music she had heard in the car: Lapis’ songs had almost breezy melodies that belied the somber lyrics. Her voice was clear, almost plain—yet there was an intensity that no one in the bar could deny.

           For the next half hour, everyone in the bar seemed transfixed, the four friends especially so. Even Garnet wiped away an errant tear, although nobody noticed. When she finished her set, there was only stunned silence, before an appropriate applause.

           Lapis looked around the room, beaming. She was glad she had called Mr. Smiley tonight to ask if she could play (not that he’d say no). It was exactly what she needed. She finally felt—

           Her smile shattered and fell piece by piece to the floor when she saw Peridot, surrounded by three others. She recognized Pearl, but the other two were strangers to her. Should she go over and say hi? Nope, unnecessary, Peridot was staggering over.

           “Oh, hey, Peridot.” She flashed a weak smile, uncomfortable at this coincidence.

           “Laaapisss, that was so pretty! You din’t tell me you played guitar!” Peridot’s smile covered their entire face, and Lapis felt her guard dropping.

           “Yeah, I’ve been playing since I was little. What about you? I didn’t take you for a drinker.”

           “Oh, I was jus’ sad because you didn’t come to the meeting, so we came here. Now I feel lots better!” Lapis stared down at them. Peridot was either a heavy drinker or a lightweight, because they could barely stand without weaving side to side.

           “Look, I’m sorry for not showing up. And for dashing out of the room like that, I just—”

           “Shhhh. I appreciate the apology, but . . .” Peridot leaned forward and whispered loudly. “I’m a little inebriated.”

           “I couldn’t tell.”

           Peridot cackled, and Lapis felt herself smiling. They were the hugest nerd, and it was great.

           “So yea, just call me tomorrow, and we'll talk more?”

           “Sounds good, Shorty.”

           Peridot giggled and turned back to the bar, where their friends waited with intoxicated anticipation. Lapis sighed and turned around to grab her guitar case. That had certainly gone better than she could ever have hoped for.

 

           Peridot threw up again, clutching their stomach and moaning. They were never going to drink again, as long as they lived.

          Garnet had gotten them all home last night, and Peridot had slept like a baby, right up to when they woke up with a splitting migraine and a stomach that felt like it had gone through a centrifuge.

          Peridot groaned and drank some more water, staggering back into bed. They had already emailed their professors and weren’t going to move so far as they could help it.

          Right as Peridot was about to fall asleep, their phone rang. They winced and looked at the phone to see Lapis’ name.

          “Crud . . .” Peridot clicked the green button. “Hey, Lapis.”

          “Oh wow, you sound terrible.”

          “Don’t worry, I feel terrible too.”

           “Fun night at the bar?”

           “An absolute joy-ride.”

           “Do you remember talking to me?”

           “Vaguely. I remember looking pretty stupid.”

           “Not really. You told me my music was amazing, told me to call you, and bounced back to your friends.”

           “Good to know. You tried to tell me something, I think?”

           There was a pause before Lapis spoke. “Peridot, I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have run off like that. I just . . . I panicked. And I wanted to explain myself sooner, but I kept thinking about how angry you’d be at me, and—”

           “No, Lapis! I need to apologize. I didn’t ask before I kissed you. It was wrong, and I shouldn’t have done that. I promise to ask before I kiss you next time.”

           There was a small chuckle. “Oh, so there will be a next time?”

           Peridot felt their face suddenly catch fire. “Ack! Only if you want it!”

           Lapis giggled, and the line fell silent for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice was low and thick.

           “Peridot, I really like you. I feel safe with you. I had a blast just sitting and watching that old movie with you, and I’d love to do it again. You’re this fluffy, awkward dork and I think it’s awesome. But I can’t do a relationship. That’s why I ran off. I got scared.”

           Peridot closed their eyes, trying to think through their headache. “I understand. I can do that. I can do just friends.”

           “Are you sure?”

           “Yes, totally. We can keep watching old movies and getting coffee and listening to subversive folk music. I can’t lie and say it’ll be super easy, but I know that I’d rather have you as a friend than not have anything to do with you.”

           “Thank you so much,” Lapis sighed. “This makes life so much easier.”

_For one of us._

          Peridot faked a smile, even though Lapis couldn’t see it. “Absolutely. Now then, I need to go. Any longer with my eyes open and my head'll explode.”

           “Okay. I hope you feel better soon. Call me whenever.” There was a click, and Peridot stared at their phone before letting it thump to the floor.

           This sucked, the headache sucked, being in bed all day sucked, everything just sucked! Why couldn’t it work? Why was Peridot so scary? Maybe they just had to keep talking to Lapis, show her they weren’t a threat.

_Because pushing boundaries worked so well last time, you clod._

           Peridot groaned into their pillow before leaning over to fish their phone back up. Pearl would know what to do.

 

           Lapis sighed happily. There. Neat and tidy with a bow on top. She got to keep the little nerd around, minus the panic attacks. A win-win, really.

           Except that Lapis felt a strange sense of loss. An image flashed into her mind of a door violently slamming.

           Before she could think on it anymore, her phone started ringing again. The number was blocked. Lapis flinched, stuffing the phone under her pillow. Out of sight, out of mind.

           After the phone rang for another thirty minutes, she growled and snapped it back up, punching the green button.

           “Hello?” She tried to keep her voice steady.

           “Oh good, so you didn’t change your number.” The voice was rough and deep. Even though the voice sounded bemused, Lapis knew that the person on the other end wasn’t smiling.

           “What do you want, Jasper? You haven’t called in about a year, what could you possibly want now?”

           “Relax, princess. I was calling to see if you were free for lunch this weekend.” Lapis recoiled and stared at the phone in her hand. How could she be so casual?

           “Lovely, just what I wanted to do this weekend, lunch and a kidnapping.”

           Jasper harrumphed. “Lapis, I’m asking to meet you to apologize. After you left me, I lost it. I couldn’t function. I realize that what I did was totally wrong, and I need to apologize. I’m only asking for one quick meeting.”

           Lapis chewed on her cheek. There was no reason for her to accept Jasper’s offer. All it would do was open wounds that were barely stitched together. Besides, she had just finished sorting out one drama in her life; she didn’t need to double down.

           “Lapis, are you there?”

           “Yes. Jasper, I . . . appreciate the offer. But I don’t think I should see you anytime soon. Being held hostage is not something you forget super easily, and not something you’re quick to forgive either. Have a nice life.”

           There was a loud clattering noise that Lapis instinctively knew to be kitchen utensils smashing to the ground. “I’m trying to be nice, you little brat! I’m offering you some goddamn closure on a silver platter and you’re going to turn up your nose at me? Do you not understand—”

           Lapis hung up, tired of the tantrums that she knew so well. A moment later, her phone buzzed with a message from her ex:

 

 

 

> Im still in Crystal City
> 
> My offer still stands
> 
> Please please let me apologize
> 
> Im sorry for losing my temper

 

            Lapis scoffed and threw her phone on the bed. It’d be a cold day in hell before she let herself within a mile of that beast anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't drink and drive!


	6. Chapter 6

           Peridot checked and double-checked the address on her phone. She was in the right place, a rundown apartment complex on the edge of town. Lapis had texted the night before, asking if Peridot had wanted to stop by and hang out for a little bit. It was an obvious olive branch, but Peridot would take what she could get. Pearl had offered to drive her, especially after Peridot had wanted her advice, and Peridot found herself coasting along with Pearl and the faint sound of George Michael.

           “So, Pearl,” she began slowly, “you’ve dated girls before.”

           “Yes, what about it?”

           “What do you think I should do from here? I still really like her, but she made it clear that she doesn’t want to go down that path. I know I should just leave it, but . . .”

           Pearl sighed. “But you don’t want to.”

           “Selfishly so.”

           “It’s not a fun place to be, and believe me, I’ve been there before. The best thing for you to do is just swallow up your feelings and put them aside. She’s set the line, and that’s all there is to it.”

           “Oh.”

           “Yup, just keep moving on, pretending you don’t care. It’s not like you were always there for her, right? So just, swallow it up and don’t look back, because back is where all the bad feelings are.”

           “Um, Pearl?”

           “Besides, she’s not the only one out there, there’s plenty of other, less incredible women out there, so don’t worry! Just hold your nose and dive in, even if diving in feels like your soul is about to—”

           “Pearl! You’re projecting!”

           Pearl blinked a few times and shook her head slowly. “Right. The point is, don’t drive yourself crazy with what could have been. Just keep looking forward.”

           The car slowed to a stop in front of a tall iron fence and Peridot hopped out. Pearl pulled away quickly, nearly running a stop sign.

           Peridot texted Lapis that she was there and looked around. The buildings were tall, red complexes that looked almost like modified barns. The balconies she could see each presented a brief cut-out of the residents’ lives: old bikes, overgrown succulents, and tarnished decorations spread out before her.

           Peridot was shaken from her reverie by Lapis, calling at her from the other side of the fence. Peridot walked over as Lapis fidgeted with some buttons, and the gate achingly slid open.

           “Hey, Shorty. Glad you could come on such short notice.”

           “Are you kidding? I’m dying to know what your space looks like.”

           “Simple. Messy.”

           If Lapis considered her apartment messy, Peridot hated to think what Lapis thought of her dorm. When Lapis opened the door, the first thing that Peridot noticed were the bookshelves of journals arranged by color next to her bed, an oversized sleeping bag thrown over a mattress on the floor. Posters from multiple bands neatly covered the walls, and a fountain sat in the corner in a kiddy pool. A large, battered easel sat empty next to it.

           “Why do you have a fountain?”

           “The noise helps me sleep.”

           “What are all the journals?”

           “Personal stuff. Lyrics, doodles.”

    “The easel?”

    Lapis said nothing.

           Peridot nodded slowly, looking for a piece of furniture besides the bed to sit on. At that exact moment, Pumpkin stuck his head in, cautious about the possible intruder.

           Lapis had never seen anything like it before. Peridot looked about as out of place as a girl could be, but the second she saw Pumpkin, she flung herself down onto the floor, petting the confused dog and baby-talking to him an embarrassing amount. Lapis simply watched in awe.

           “Look at you! You’re the bestest dog ever, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” Peridot whipped her head to look at Lapis with a frightening intensity. “Boy? Girl?”

           “Boy. His name’s Pumpkin. I found him about a year ago, and he just kinda stuck around.”

           “Yes. Good.” Peridot had gotten Pumpkin to roll over and was now giving him a vigorous belly rub.

           “I didn’t realize you were such a dog person.”

           “Dogs are proof of a benevolent Creator.”

           “I didn’t take you for the religious type either. Maybe we should go to church next time.”

           Peridot giggled. “Funny. No, I’m really not. I just have great memories of my dog back home. Pumpkin actually looks kind of like her, although a bit smaller.”

           Lapis dropped to the floor, petting Pumpkin. For a while, the two sat, talking about dogs and petting Pumpkin, who was as happy as he could be. Lapis talked about why Pumpkin was the best dog ever, and Peridot refuted this with stories about her own dog. Peridot began asking about the different posters, and Lapis began rambling excitedly about why Peridot needed to go listen to Against Me! immediately.

           That evening, Peridot and Lapis sat on opposite ends of the couch, each holding a small bowl of curry that Lapis had warmed up, listening to Laura Jane Grace’s raw vocals from Lapis’ phone.

           “Seriously, Lapis, where’d you learn to make this?”

           “This old vegetarian cookbook my ex gave me. Probably the one good thing she did.”

           As if on cue, Lapis’ phone started ringing. She grabbed it, scowled at whoever was calling, and turned it off.

           “Everything ok, Lapis?”

           “Just fine. Don’t worry about it.”

           “Nothing you want to talk about?”

           Lapis looked at Peridot for a minute, thinking, and sighed loudly. “Fine. My ex decided to contact me again recently, and she’s not letting up.”

           “Why?”

           “She wants to apologize for all the crap she pulled.”

           “Why don’t you let her?”

           Lapis shook her head violently. “There’s no apologizing for what she did. I’m not seeing her ever again, and that’s final.”

           Peridot chewed on her lip. “I mean, when’s the last time you talked to her?”

           “About a year ago.”

           “So maybe she’s changed. People are good, Lapis, and maybe she turned out ok too.”

           Lapis pulled a knee close to her chest, resting her head. “I really don’t know. The last time she called me, she ended up losing her temper like she always used to. I just don’t think it’d be a good idea. ”

           Peridot popped another spoonful of curry in her mouth, chewing slowly. “It’s your decision. If you really don’t think you should, then don’t. I understand the need to just look forwards sometimes.”

           Lapis nodded, staring at the space between them. After a few minutes of silence, Peridot set her bowl down.

           “Well, it’s getting dark. I don’t suppose I could get a lift back to campus?”

           Lapis shook her head, pulling herself back to the present. “Yeah, of course.”

           After she dropped off Peridot, Lapis started cruising around Beach City, not quite ready to go back to her apartment. _People are good, Lapis_. Peridot’s earnest voice rang between her ears almost hypnotically. She’d be lying to herself if she said that she didn’t want some sort of closure after everything that had happened. Maybe it wouldn’t be awful to have a quick meeting with Jasper. She would sit, listen to her, tell her everything she needed to, and be done with it. Period.

           Lapis picked up her phone and dialed the number, holding her breath as it rang once, twice . . .

           “Yeah?”

           “Hey, Jasper. Still want to meet?”

 

           Crystal City had always made Lapis feel incredibly anxious, even after having lived there for a couple of years. Where Beach City felt open and warm, Crystal City was all steel and glass, where corporations brutally punctured the sky for a chance at profit. It was often all Lapis could do to not hurl bricks through every building within eyesight.

           The coffee shop Jasper had requested they meet at had been an old favorite of theirs and was probably the one building in Crystal City that contained actual wood. Deep blue paint hid the building within its own shadows, and the teal green door looked as though it had been used as an emergency raft for several decades.

           Lapis pushed the battered door open slowly, sighing happily at the air-conditioned inside. Every lamp in the building seemed to have been half-dead, and it took Lapis a moment to find Jasper in the dim.

           She was exactly as Lapis remembered. Her muscles shifted under her skin with the slightest movement, the reward of many years spent boxing at the gym. Despite her size, she was a fast opponent, and Lapis could never deny the strange thrill of watching her fight.

           Today, instead of the usual torn jeans and tank top, Jasper had put herself into a pantsuit, looking highly uncomfortable with the result.

           Lapis took a seat, snickering. “Nice outfit. How very butch of you.”

           Jasper smiled weakly. “I figured I should look nice.”

           “Why? Unless you’re serving me papers.”

           “I just—I don’t know.” Jasper sighed, frustrated, and knocked back a large portion of her decaf. “I figured you might take me more seriously if you saw that I was taking this seriously.”

           Lapis raised an eyebrow. “I can hardly afford to not take this seriously. You said you wanted to apologize. Start apologizing.”

           Jasper groaned, looking down at her coffee. When she spoke, Lapis had to lean in to hear her. “I realized after you left that I said and did some things that maybe I shouldn’t have. Definitely shouldn’t have. I needed to feel in control and you were there to control. I’m sorry, Lapis, for what I did.” She looked up at Lapis, tears in her eyes.

           Lapis had been rehearsing what she would say the whole drive over. How she would tell Jasper how she didn’t need her, how she never needed her, and how happy she was now in Beach City. She had planned exactly what rude gesture to use and when, and to what effect.

           All of that flew out the window with Jasper’s apology. Lapis felt a lump in her throat and couldn’t help but stare at her ex. Peridot was right. She really had changed.

           Lapis slumped down in her seat, suddenly drained. “I don’t know what to say, Jasper. Thank you.”

           “Don’t thank me for apologizing. I needed to do it. Sounds like you wanted it, too.” She broke off, clearly trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to. “You never have to see me after this, if you don’t want to. But, maybe, this won’t be the last cup of coffee we get together?”

           Lapis kept staring hard at Jasper, more confused in the last five minutes than she had ever been before. A little voice in the back of her head faded to silence, and Lapis gave a small half-smile.

           “Maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: extreme feely angst ahead. Good luck!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: poor mental health and some Lasper

Peridot smacked her phone. “Answer me!”

For the last two weeks, Lapis had been radio silent. She had missed another one of Peridot’s classes, and had yet to return a single message. Peridot, for her part, tried, and failed, to be as patient and mature as possible.

Amethyst rolled her eyes and threw a pillow in Peridot’s direction. “Punching your phone won’t make her respond, Perry.”

“It makes me feel better!” She growled and threw her phone down harmlessly on top of the pillow before plopping down on her bed next to Amethyst. “I hope she’s ok.”

“Dude, Lapis is tough as hell. She probably just got arrested for killing a Nazi.”

Peridot let out a strangled noise, her face suddenly red.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, just kidding!” Amethyst wrapped Peridot, now hyperventilating, into a tight hug. “She’s fine. Life just happens. She probably got slammed with work or school or something.”

“I know. I just hate feeling helpless like this. Even if she just texted me saying she didn’t want to talk, at least I’d know what was going on.”

“I know, but you have nothing to worry about. If there’s anyone who can take care of herself, it’s that girl. You worry about yourself, ok?”

Peridot pursed her lips, groaning quietly.

“Peridot.” She said her name sweetly, like she was coaxing a dog with a treat.

“Ugh, fine.”

“Awesome! Now, I gotta get back to my room. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok. Tell Pearl I said hi.”

Amethyst gave Peridot another bear hug and bounced out of the room. Peridot grumbled and picked up her phone, willing it to make some sort of noise. It stayed willfully silent, and Peridot couldn’t help but whine a bit. Sighing, she put her phone on the charger and crawled into bed, hoping she could fall asleep.

At 2 a.m., Peridot’s phone began to chirrup. She slammed her hand down on her phone and answered, as awake as when she crawled into bed.

“Lapis?”

“Hey, Peridot.”

“Why are you calling so late? You sound exhausted.”

“Yeah, sorry if I woke you up. I just wanted to let you know I’m still alive. Sorry for not responding for so long. It’s been . . . busy over here.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, totally! I’ve just had my hands full with Jasper.”

“Oh, you got a new dog?”

Lapis snorted. “Probably would be less work. No, Jasper’s my ex. We started talking again, just like you recommended.”

Peridot’s mouth went dry. “Oh. How’s that been going?”

Lapis sighed happily. “It’s honestly been great. I didn’t realize that I actually kind of missed her. She’s different, Peridot. She’s definitely still a bit of a crank, but she’s so much nicer than she used to be. This morning, she gave me a seashell she found at the beach. She’s gotten to be really sweet.”

“I’m happy for you, Lapis. Listen, I’m actually pretty tired, I’ll talk to you in the morning, ok?”

“Sure! Good ni—”

Peridot hung up, suddenly tired of Lapis’ voice. For a moment, she was still, letting their conversation replay in her head.

_            We started talking again, just like you recommended. _

           She suddenly grabbed her pillow and held it over her face, screaming until her throat started to hurt. When she couldn’t scream anymore, she slammed the pillow down into her lap, beating it viciously.

          “Why do I keep driving you away?”

 

           Lapis looked at her phone, a bit uneasy at Peridot’s sudden good-bye. She’d call her tomorrow and make sure everything was alright. She set her phone down and turned back to Jasper, who was snoring lightly. Jasper muttered in her sleep and wrapped an arm around Lapis. She froze for a moment before wrapping her arms around Jasper’s, smiling. She had forgotten how Jasper made her feel like the only person in the world. 

 

           Garnet knocked on Peridot’s door. Nothing. They looked down at Pearl and Amethyst, each looking worried.

           “Was she really that loud?”

           Garnet ignored Pearl’s question, knocking again. If Peridot was inside, she was in a worse state than usual. They couldn’t even hear her shuffling around. They nodded at Pearl and stepped back as Pearl used her master key to unlock the door.

           She couldn’t help but gasp as the door swung open. Peridot’s statues were all broken in various spots. Her cabinet had been shoved, spilling movies everywhere. Posters were torn and wadded up, and several of her dinosaur models were now more dust than anything else. Peridot lay on her bed, her blanket wrapped close around her. On her TV  _ The Cluster _ was playing, muted.

           “Oh my god, Peridot, are you ok?” Amethyst rushed forward, kneeling in front of Peridot. Peridot pulled her blanket tighter, but otherwise made no response. “Peridot, please say something. Garnet told us they could hear you screaming last night, what’s wrong?”

          Peridot looked down at Amethyst, the only acknowledgement that she had spoken. She looked up at Pearl and Garnet, her eyes unfocused, before grunting and turning away, hiding her face under her pillow.

           The three friends looked at each other, unsure what to do or say.

           “Peridot,” Pearl began slowly, “did something happen with Lapis?”

           A choked sob came from under the pillow, and the three piled into bed with her. Between tears, she told them what had happened with Jasper. By the end of her story, her crying had been reduced to sniffles, and her friends held her tight.

           “Oh, Peridot, I’m so sorry.” Garnet was the first to speak. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

           “Yeah, forget about her. You don’t need that flake.” Peridot glared at Amethyst and hid her face again.

           “Peridot, Amethyst is right. She hardly seems like a healthy person. Maybe it’s time to move on,” offered Pearl.

           “No! I don’t want to!” Peridot began sobbing anew under her pillow, and Pearl and Amethyst looked at each other, panicked. Garnet said nothing, slowly rubbing Peridot’s back.

           The four stayed there for the rest of the evening. Chinese was ordered, and after much cajoling, Peridot nibbled on an egg roll. Pearl and Amethyst stayed quiet, and Garnet stayed by Peridot’s side, always touching her in some way.

           Halfway through the meal, Peridot’s phone rang, Lapis’ name appearing on the screen. Peridot let out a small yelp and kicked the phone away from her, where Pearl picked it up.

           “Hello, this is Pearl.” She sat up straight, using her RA voice.

           “Oh, hey, Pearl. Is Peridot there?”

           “No. As it is, I don’t think you should call for a while.”

           Before Lapis could respond, Pearl hung up and handed the phone back to Peridot. 

           “Thanks, Pearl.” She looked down at her egg roll and took a huge bite. Suddenly, she was starving.

 

           Lapis stared at her phone, her mouth open. What had just happened? Should she call back? Why had Pearl told her off like that?

           Before she could think any further, Jasper came up behind her, wrapping her arms around Lapis’ waist. “Who was that?”

           “I tried calling Peridot, but her friend just told me to stay away.”

           Jasper’s grip tightened. “Maybe she’s right. Didn’t she have a huge crush on you?”

           “Yeah, but—”

           “So, take her advice. It’d be for the best. It would just get uncomfortable otherwise.”

           “We agreed to just be friends. There’d be nothing uncomfortable.”

           “And when’s the last time that worked?”

           Lapis said nothing, chewing her cheek.

           “Exactly. It doesn’t. Just leave well enough alone.” Jasper turned Lapis to face her. “Besides, I guarantee you’ll have your hands full for a while.” She smirked and kissed her softly, her grip never relenting.

           Lapis kissed her back, ignoring the faint whisper in the back of her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Due to scheduling stuff on my end, Chapter 8 will be uploaded next Saturday, after which will be the usual two week period.  
> The story's going to stay pretty angsty for a bit, so I apologize in advance.   
> Again, thanks to my girlfriend for being my editor/support with this, she's been nothing but amazing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: accidental misgendering, abusive relationship

The next month passed in a blur for Lapis. Jasper moved what little she had from her apartment to Lapis’, spending less and less time in Crystal City, until she was only commuting there for work, occasionally spending weekends in her apartment. She gave Lapis a new easel and canvases, urging her to paint again. The first brushstrokes were pained, but Lapis soon found it easier and easier to paint. Why had she ever stopped?

The days passed in a rhythm. In the morning, Jasper would kiss her good-bye and head into Crystal City, with Lapis leaving shortly after for her new part-time job at Big Coffee. Lars and Sadie were good co-workers, even if Lars was a bit lazy. On most Sundays, Jasper would visit her there, sipping on her coffee and chatting with the three of them.

After Big Coffee, Lapis would return home to walk Pumpkin and paint for an hour or so. She was currently working on a portrait of Jasper, as well as a smaller self-portrait. Lapis could never focus on one painting, opting to juggle a few so she could put one down and pick another up immediately if she ever felt stuck. After painting, Lapis would begin preparing dinner, and Jasper would be home shortly after. They’d eat, maybe watch a movie, and turn in for the night. Domestic bliss.

That month was equally blurry for Peridot. If they weren’t in class, they were in their room, either studying or putting together another lesson plan. Their meetings were no less informative, but felt dry and cold. Amethyst, Garnet, and Pearl would take turns dropping by their room, trying to coax them into relaxing. Finally, Peridot agreed to join them all for a cup of coffee.

Sunday morning, Pearl scooped the three others up in her minivan, Amethyst griping the whole way about Wham!. Peridot sighed, staring out the window. They were only there so their friends would stop worrying. They didn’t want coffee, or much of anything besides sleep. Slowly, their eyes drifted shut.

Peridot lurched forward as Pearl stomped on the break, waking them up. 

“Tired?” Garnet smiled, hiding their worry. 

“Yeah. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve been having unpleasant dreams lately.”

“But not nightmares.”

“No. Just . . . her.”

Garnet said nothing, only offering their hand to Peridot to hold. They reached for their hand, squeezing gently.

“Thanks, Garnet.”

Minutes later, Pearl pulled into the parking lot. The four spilled out of the car and trudged inside Big Coffee.

It was hard to say who was more shocked, Lapis or Peridot. The two stared wide-eyed at each other, unsure of how to react. Lars and Sadie quickly busied themselves with a spot behind the counter that was suddenly very dirty. Jasper looked up disinterestedly. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl quickly pulled in close around their friend. 

“So, you’re working here now.” Peridot spoke first, trying hard to not let their voice tremble.

“Yeah, only part-time. It’s nice.” Lapis looked down as she spoke. “What have you been up to?”

“School. You?”

“This.” Neither of them quite met the other’s eye. The room was silent, no one else wanting to enter the situation.

Jasper had no such qualms. She knocked back her coffee and sauntered over, standing directly in front of Peridot. Her smile was friendly. “I don’t think we’ve met. Are you a friend of Lapis’?”

“I’m Peridot. You’re Jasper?” It was phrased more as a statement than a question.

“Yeah, I’m guessing she told you about me.” She turned and winked at Lapis, who only focused harder on the counter in front of her.

“Barely. You’re welcome by the way.”

Jasper wrinkled her nose in confusion. “Welcome? For what?”

“Lapis.” With that, they turned and walked out the door, followed shortly by the trio, stunned.

Lars and Sadie kept cleaning, as the spot had now suddenly become absolutely filthy. Jasper turned to Lapis, frowning. “What did she mean, ‘you're welcome’?”

“They. They’re demi, don’t assume.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“I’ll explain at home.”

Jasper’s frown etched deeper into her face, but she said nothing. She simply left the coffee shop. After a moment, Lars and Sadie slowly poked their heads out.

“You good?”

“I’m fine, Lars.”

 

In the car, Peridot wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

“Perry! That was wicked!” Amethyst was cackling in the front seat. “I’m so proud of you!” She punched Pearl in the shoulder, who merely rolled her eyes.

“A bit vindictive. But yes, Peridot, well done.”

Garnet ruffled Peridot’s hair. “Not bad at all.”

“I still can’t believe I said that.” They leaned into Garnet, drained. “Some coffee would be great after that.”

The four looked at each other and burst out laughing as Pearl tore out of the parking lot, George Michael singing about faith.

That evening, Peridot practically crawled into their room from exhaustion. They had spent the rest of the day in Pearl and Amethyst’s room with them and Garnet, watching TV and consuming deadly amounts of pizza. Once in bed, they checked their phone, only seeing an awkward “hey” from Lapis. Peridot set their phone down and closed their eyes. They would worry about it in the morning.

For the first time in a month, Peridot had no dreams.

 

Lapis decided to work the full shift that day, much to Lars’ delight.When she finally got home, Jasper was sitting on the couch, arms folded.

“You said you’d explain at home. Explain.”

Lapis sighed. “Yeah, I did say that. Well, Peridot is the one who recommended I talk to you again. That’s all they meant. They were a little sharp, but nothing else.” She sat on the couch, cupping Jasper’s face gently. “It’s nothing to get angry about.”

Jasper shook Lapis’ hands away. “Who do they think they are, talking to me like that? Where do they get off?”

Lapis shrugged, unsure how to further explain.

“I’m honestly surprised you’d want to hang out with a brat like that,” Jasper grumbled.

Lapis’ eyes narrowed. “Hey, they’re actually a great person. I know they were rude, but it was pretty uncomfortable for everyone in there. Please don’t make this into another huge deal.”

Jasper smirked, her mouth an ugly, thin line.“Quit trying to defend your little crush.”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s the only reason you want them around. You want your little ego boost, admit it.”

Lapis stood up, looking down at Jasper. “Do you even hear how petty you’re being? You’re acting like I’m going to run off with them.” She let out a small laugh.

Suddenly Jasper was right in Lapis’ face, teeth bared, their noses almost touching. “This conversation is over. Good night.” She stomped over to the mattress, pushing the easel aside roughly, where it wobbled precariously. Jasper threw the covers over herself, defiantly facing away from Lapis.

Lapis sat back down on the couch, her chest suddenly tight. Why did she feel so panicked? Fights were ok, couples fought sometimes. They’d go to bed upset and talk about it in the morning. It was fine.

But Lapis couldn’t breathe. The walls suddenly felt small and she had to get out, now. She grabbed a jacket and was almost out the door when she heard Jasper’s muffled voice.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to throw one of your tantrums.”

“Jasper, I can’t breathe. I just need to go out for a minute.”

Jasper pulled the covers tighter around herself. “You’re such a drama queen.”

Lapis swallowed the lump in her throat and slammed the door behind her. She texted Peridot, hoping they’d respond, before her knees gave out and she slumped against the wall behind her, crying. 

    When she had calmed down, she slowly opened the door. Jasper still lay in bed, her large form slowly moving as she snored. Lapis slipped into bed next to her, where she found herself again enclosed by one of Jasper’s arms. She pulled away and closed her eyes.

 

    Lapis blinked sleepily as she woke up, trying to process the dog filling her field of vision.

“Hey Pumpkin,” she moaned, stretching as she sat up. Next to her, the bed was empty. She must have slept in. Lapis checked her phone, frowning slightly at the lack of response from Peridot. Granted, she had texted at probably the worst time possible.

She shuffled over to the sink, yawning as she prepared a cup of chai for herself. Pumpkin hovered around her ankles, hoping for scraps. As her tea boiled, Lapis’ mind began to wander.

She knew that she had kind of ghosted Peridot. Or rather, majorly ghosted them, for her ex. That definitely wasn’t great behavior. And she understood feeling awkward at practically colliding like that after almost two months. And she was fully aware that Peridot was most likely not over their feelings for her.

But Lapis couldn’t help feel that she was missing some crucial detail. It was one thing to feel awkward or even rejected. But Pearl had told her off pretty severely; whatever was happening with Peridot was more than just unrequited romance. 

Lapis smacked her hand on the edge of the sink. Pearl definitely didn’t like her, but maybe she could help her out.

Before her plan had even finished fully formulating, Lapis grabbed her leather jacket, ignoring the fresh tea on the counter, and bolted out the door. She hopped in her car, popped in some Evil Beaver, and hightailed it to Beach City University.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any and all awful formatting with this story. I might go back and fix it once this is all done; at the very least, you'll see better formatting in all of my future stuff.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mild language

When Lapis had first arrived in Beach City, the ground was bare with the memory of winter only a few weeks old. Now, over a year later, the ground was choked with thick grass, a reminder to Lapis that spring was beginning to creep in again. 

Those first few days in town had been a rush of sensations. She had piled up enough money to give herself a break wherever she decided to flee to, and had been lucky enough to find an apartment so quickly. Pumpkin soon wandered into the picture, and she spent most of the first week unpacking and rearranging her living quarters.

     Jasper had called pretty regularly that first week, screaming obscenities and pleading with her to come back. At first, Lapis had worn herself out arguing with her. By the end of the week, she didn’t bother to answer. The calls stopped pretty soon after.

    Within a month, it was time for Lapis to find a job. She managed to do enough odd jobs around town to make enough to pay rent, and the more-than-occasional gig at the bar was generally enough to help pay for everything else. Other than that, she was in her apartment, slowly adding on to make it more of a home. As the year went on, Lapis began to notice a restlessness on her part. It was more than just boredom with the steady ritual of labor for Beach City residents. By January, almost a year after she had arrived, Lapis found a flyer in the bar one night for a course on LGBT topics at the local college, and the restlessness finally had a name.

She was lonely.

 

    Lapis stuck her head in the door and let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. Pearl was again seated behind the monitors, a watchful eye over the dorm. When Pearl noticed her, she looked rather like she had stepped in something Pumpkin would produce.

“What are you doing here? I know Peridot didn’t invite you back. Did they?”

“No, they didn’t. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Pearl’s expression etched even deeper into her face. “If you think I’m going to let you anywhere near her right now, you’re horribly mistaken. As it is, I should have you removed for being a trespasser.” Pearl grabbed a phone from behind the desk, and Lapis lunged forward to knock it from her hands.

“Don’t! Just give me a minute to explain.”

Pearl growled, but crossed her arms and leaned back. “You have one minute. I’m counting.”

Lapis blanched, her rash decision suddenly catching up with her. Pearl made some small motion with her hand and Lapis coughed, trying to force the words out. “I know that I messed up with Peridot, that’s obvious, but I think I messed up worse than I realized.”

Pearl’s lip curled into a sneer. “An understatement.”

“So please, let me talk to them. I need to figure out what I did wrong. They were my first friend here, and I don’t want to lose that. I just want to apologize as best as possible.”

Pearl stared at the monitors in front of her, chewing on her lip. “And your girlfriend?”

“What about her?” 

This earned Lapis a slightly less hostile look, followed by a deep sigh. “Fine. My shift ends in twenty minutes. Let me stop by my room, and then I’ll take you to her.”

“Thank you.”

“Please,” Pearl grumbled, “don’t mention it.”

The twenty minutes sped by with little occurrence, and Pearl traded off with a platinum blonde student who carried the same air of authority as Pearl. Lapis followed close behind, suddenly feeling very conspiratorial. What would she even say to Peridot? She was honestly surprised to to have gotten this far. A cold chill crept up her spine. What if Jasper found out?

Pearl pushed her door open, and Lapis was surprised to see the shorter girl Peridot had been with lounging on the bed.

“Sup, P?” Amethyst waved lazily, staring at her phone.

“Amethyst, we have company.” Pearl looked at Lapis in a sort of disbelief. “Try not to murder her,” she added, under her breath.

Amethyst looked up, her face pulling into a harsh scowl. “Oh. You.”

Lapis felt her face growing red. “Hi. You’re Amethyst?”

“Yes. And you’re a bitch.”

“Amethyst.” Pearl shot her roommate a warning look, before turning back to her desk, organizing papers for the next morning. Lapis awkwardly stood by the door, trying to ignore Amethyst’s death glares.

When Amethyst spoke again, her voice was low. “So, why are you here?”

“To apologize.”

Amethyst looked over her shoulder. “She serious, P?”

    “Oh yes. Wants to figure out exactly what she did wrong.”

    Amethyst’s eyes widened in mock understanding. “Ohh, is that all? Well, I’m sure Peridot won’t mind running through the last few months for you. It’s not like you broke her heart or anything.”

    Lapis shrunk back. “I just want to make things right,” she muttered. “She’s a good person.”

    Amethyst snorted. “Well, I’m glad you’re feeling something about what you did. Do you have any idea how bad she lost it? She smashed her sculptures.”

Lapis felt physically ill. “Oh my god . . .”

Pearl finally turned away from her desk. “Okay, are you ready to see Peridot?” Lapis nodded, despite the pit in her stomach. “Good. Now then, I’m going to go in first to talk to her. The last thing we need is Peridot trying to escape out the window.”

 

“Peridot, it’s three stories! Get out of the window!”

“No! Let go of my leg!”

Pearl strained, pulling on Peridot as hard as she could. How could such a small person be so strong?

“Peridot, you’re only going to hurt yourself! Please, let go!”

When Pearl had entered Peridot’s room, they had immediately noticed Lapis behind her and panicked. Now Peridot had both arms on one side of the window, while Pearl had both of her arms wrapped firmly around Peridot’s leg. Frustrated, she turned to see Lapis simply staring, mouth wide open.

“Help! Me!” This shook Lapis enough to finally dash over, taking Peridot’s other leg. With a concerted yank, the two were able to get Peridot back inside. Pearl quickly blocked the window while Lapis stood in the doorway. Peridot looked back and forth and, with a frustrated screech, ducked quickly into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door before the other two could do anything.

“Peridot, please come out,” Pearl sweetly pleaded.

“Why should I?”

“I brought her here for a reason.”

There was a rustling sound and a small growl.

“Peridot, you’ve already locked the door. Hiding in the shower won’t do anything.”

“Leave me alone!”

    Pearl turned to Lapis, eyes wide with frustration. Lapis stepped forward, resting her head on the door.

    “Peridot, it’s me. Can you please come out?”

    The silence was deafening.

    “Okay, you don’t have to come out, but I’m still going to talk, so I hope you can hear me.”

    Something thudded against the door. If Lapis had to assume, Peridot had thrown a bar of soap or something similar at the door.

    “Peridot, I’m sorry. I know that disappearing on you like that for Jasper was wrong. I should have kept in touch. And maybe I was asking for too much, asking to hang out so soon after everything. But please, you need to tell me what I did wrong.”

    “Are you that dense?” Peridot’s voice was thick. “Do you really see nothing wrong with anything else you did?”

    Lapis paused, trying to think of what could have hurt Peridot so badly. “Was it this last month? Because Pearl told me not to call.” Pearl slapped her forehead, amazed that someone could be so clueless.

    “Let’s break this down, shall we? You told me you didn’t want to date. Fine, understandable. But then, almost immediately, you turn around to date your ex, who you had just said was no good, after  _ I told you to _ . So yes, I’m a little upset with you right now.” There was a pause, before she added “and myself” quietly.

    Lapis pulled away from the door, her mouth open. “Peridot. I’m so sorry.”

    “Yes, you’ve already said this. What progress we’ve made today.”

    “No, for . . .” Lapis paused, swallowing against the lump in her throat. “For how selfish I’ve been. I treated you like you’d always be around. I took you for granted, while thanking you for it. I used you, and I’m sorry.”

    There were a few moments of silence. Pearl stood back a ways, lips pursed. Lapis rested her hand on the door, waiting for a response. Finally, the doorknob jiggled, and Peridot slowly stuck their head out.

    “Apology accepted,” she said quietly. Lapis broke into a grin, and Peridot held up a hand, quickly.

    “This only means your apology is accepted. It doesn’t mean we’re friends again. Entirely.” Peridot looked up at Lapis, their face utterly drained.

    Lapis nodded slowly. “I get it.”

    “Good. That being said, if you ever want to come over for another movie night . . .” Peridot looked away but was unable to keep some hope from creeping back into her voice.

    Lapis snorted and shook her head. “Sounds good, Shorty.”

    Peridot tried to scowl but couldn’t hide a small smile.


	10. Chapter 10

    After that, Lapis and Peridot settled into an uneasy rhythm.

A few times a week, while Jasper was at work, Lapis would go straight from Big Coffee to Peridot’s dorm, where they would watch any one of Peridot’s countless movies. At first, they sat on practically opposite ends of the room, looking more at each other, monitoring reactions, than whatever was on the screen. After a period, however, the two began to grow more comfortable and sat closer and closer, until they were again engrossed in the film, nearly leaning against each other. Lately, the two had been watching  _ Camp Pining Hearts _ , Lapis begrudgingly drawn into the sappy melodramatics.

Conversation began to flow more naturally too. What started as awkward observations by Peridot on the weather quickly turned into heated debates about what books Lapis desperately needed to read and what music Peridot desperately needed to listen to.

It would be premature, however, to say that everything was normal between them. Lapis still did not come to Peridot’s meetings, which Peridot never pressed. Jasper was also a forbidden topic between them. Lapis never talked about her relationship, and Peridot never asked. Once or twice, she was tempted to ask, just a basic “how’s she doing?”, but Peridot couldn’t spit it out of her mouth. She didn’t want to know how Jasper was doing. If it was up to her, Jasper would still be in Crystal City, a bad memory. Lapis was as eager to talk about her as Peridot was, if even less so. Ever since Peridot and Jasper’s confrontation, the boxer had grown more and more sullen, quicker to put Lapis down for any number of minor offenses. Lapis was able to let most of it roll off her back, but there were some comments that led to all-night screaming matches.

The more Lapis came over, the more Pearl got used to her, even joining them a few times for movie night. After she began to warm up, Garnet quickly followed, with Amethyst begrudgingly joining them. Lapis knew that they were only doing it for Peridot’s sake; she was an intruder to be regarded as such. She didn’t blame them.

It was a late April day, the morning caught in summer and the evening caught in autumn, when Peridot finally asked Lapis how Jasper was doing. They could almost taste the copper in their mouth when they asked.

At first, the blue-haired girl stiffened a bit, staring intently at a very boring scene in the movie, an old Japanese space flick. Then she assured Peridot everything was fine, and it seemed almost normal. Peridot simply said “That’s nice” and returned her gaze to the screen, scooting away from Lapis the tiniest amount. 

Lapis noticed. “What?”

“What?”

“Why’d you move away from me?”

“I didn’t.”

“Barely, but you did.”

“I was just adjusting myself.”

“No, you just don’t like me talking about her. Still.”

Peridot opened their mouth to protest, then closed it with a heavy sigh. “Fine. I really don’t.”

“Then don’t ask about her.” Lapis had turned to face Peridot now, her face red.

“Why are you being so defensive? I’m not allowed to ask how my friend’s girlfriend is doing?”

“Not if you’re going to be a jerk about it.”

Peridot glowered. “I think I behaved rather well, everything considered.”

Lapis gave her a strange look, then turned back to the TV.

Peridot, however, wasn’t done. “Did she change?”

Lapis shot her a look. “Excuse me?”

“I told you that people change, and that’s why you went back. So I’m curious. Did she change?” Peridot asked their question as casually as possible, failing at any attempt of normalcy.

“I already said she did.”

“But still . . .”

Lapis turned back to the TV. “Just shut up, please.” There was no malice in her voice, and Peridot complied.

When Lapis left, she circled around town, chewing the inside of her lip. Being around Peridot was exhausting. Being around Jasper was an entirely different type of exhausting.

“Clearly, I should just go live by myself with twenty dogs,” she groused aloud to no one in particular.

When she got back to the apartment, she felt a sudden sense of dread, seemingly without reason. Lapis stared at her apartment, unsure what was setting her off so. Then it hit her like a stack of bricks.

Jasper was home early.

Tears of frustration welled up in her eyes. She hated this. She hated leaving what was supposed to be her friend’s dorm emotionally drained only to come home and deal with the unraveling mess that was Jasper. She hated that her only friend in town seemed to hate her as much as she liked her. She hated everything.

Groaning, Lapis looked at her phone. Monday. She blinked a few times, a spark of hope in the back of her mind. She called Peridot, chewing her lip.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Peridot, today’s Monday.”

“. . . Yes . . .”

“Do you have a meeting today?”

“Yeah, we’re going over some history stuff. The Stonewall Riots and such. Why?”

“Can I just spend the day with you until then? Maybe even come with?”

“You know you just left.” Peridot sounded like they weren’t sure whether to be happy or suspicious.

“I know, that’s why I’m calling to ask.”

“Yeah, of course! Did you want to watch  _ Camp Pining Hearts _ ?”

Lapis made a small gagging sound. “We’ll figure something out.” She hung up and, strangely refreshed, coasted back to BCU.

Pearl shot her a curious look as she entered the lobby, but otherwise said nothing. Peridot came down quickly, and the two found themselves back in their room.

Peridot made some popcorn for the two of them, and they sat on opposite ends of the open space in the middle, watching each other eat.

“So, why are you coming to the meeting today?”

Lapis shrugged. “I just wanted to see if you’ve gotten any better. You were pretty awkward the first night.”

“Only because you were staring at me!” Peridot threw a piece of popcorn at their friend.

Lapis caught it in her mouth, grinning. Her face quickly returned to a neutral state. “To be honest, I just didn’t want to go home just yet. Jasper got home early and . . .” She trailed off into a low groan, slumping against Peridot’s bed. 

Peridot inched closer, looking incredibly uncomfortable. “I’m sorry for being weird about her earlier.”

“Don’t be. You have a right to. Besides, you’re weird about everything.” Lapis gave a tired smile and held out her hand for Peridot to tentatively hold. 

For a while, they sat silently, looking at their laced fingers. Both tried to ignore Peridot’s increasingly red face. Suddenly Lapis leaned into Peridot, her head on their shoulder.

“I don’t know.”

Peridot looked down at her, confused. “You don’t know what?”

“If she did change. Maybe she did. Or maybe I just really wanted her to change.”

Peridot was quiet for a moment. “Lapis, how bad was she?”

“She never touched me, I’ll give her that. But she yelled, a lot. Was paranoid, a lot. Once she wouldn’t let me leave our apartment for three days.”

The color drained from Peridot’s face. “ _ That’s _ what I told you to go back to?”

“You didn’t know. Besides, I wasn’t going to take her back at first. I just wanted closure. Then she apologized, and I saw she really meant it, and I just kind of tripped up.” Lapis wiped her eyes, refusing to let tears form. “She’s definitely the worst, but it’s nothing new. I have a magical talent for attracting total jerks.”

Peridot rested their head on Lapis’. “Don’t forget nerds.”

Lapis leaned even more into Peridot. “I’m okay with that.” She turned to look up at Peridot, studying their face slowly. It had been a while since she had really just looked at them. Their circular glasses sat high on their button nose, balanced over a streak of freckles. They still wore the green plastic triangle they had been wearing when they first met, and Lapis noticed little bite marks covering the end, a sign of Peridot’s anxiety. She closed her eyes, enjoying the gentle motion of Peridot’s breathing.

An alarm suddenly went off, waking the both of them. Peridot rubbed their eyes, ignoring the smudges on their glasses. “Time for my meeting.”

Lapis yawned. “Stonewall, right?”

“Yup.” Peridot stood and stretched. She looked down at Lapis, suddenly bashful. “You did say you were coming tonight?”

Lapis giggled, something growing warm in her chest. “Absolutely.”

Peridot froze, a giddy little smile on their face. “Really?”

“I figured now is as good time to start again as any.”

Peridot wiggled happily, making Lapis giggle again.

Downstairs, they found Amethyst and Garnet waiting, while Pearl was arguing about something with the platinum-blonde girl who also worked at the desk. When she noticed Lapis with Peridot, she shot the other RA a look before plastering a smile on her face. 

“Ready for tonight, Peridot?” Garnet’s soft voice couldn’t disguise their pride.

“Definitely, it’s going to be an exciting one!” The five walked over to the classroom, Peridot waving their arms as they rambled about everything planned for the night. They led the group, with Lapis trailing several feet behind everyone else.

Lapis was surprised to see the room already full when they showed up. She recognized a face or two, and was thoroughly surprised to see Lars, but most of the faces were unknown to her. More so, the crowd had nearly doubled since her late entrance. She squeezed in back next to Peridot’s friends, and Peridot began to start writing a list of important names on the board.

Lapis sat transfixed. Last time she had been here was a curiosity, equal parts hope and dread. When she had walked into the classroom and seen a runty college kid rambling about gender, she had been tempted to turn away immediately. Instead, she stayed, waiting to see what angle Peridot was pulling, where they would trip up. Tonight, however, she let the information wash over her, amazed at how passionate Peridot was. They used no note cards and barely looked at their powerpoint. Unlike the first night, they were now more controlled and composed, more easy speaking in front of such a loud crowd. More than once they looked over at Lapis, their confidence growing every time they did so.

The lesson seemed to pass by in a flash, ending before Lapis realized it. “So, in conclusion, although Stonewall was not the beginning of LGBT history, it was still a catalyst at a time when one was desperately needed. Despite years of whitewashing and revisionist history, the actions of Marsha P. Johnson and others like her are still remembered, and is incredibly important to remember. We owe it to them.” When Peridot finished speaking, their face was flushed with passion, and the room was silent. 

Lapis smashed the silence with a sledgehammer. “Whoo! Yay, Peridot!” Every eye in the room turned to face her, and Amethyst couldn’t help but snicker. Lapis blushed, but still gave Peridot a thumbs-up that was returned.

After Lars finished talking to Peridot about binder recommendations, their four friends piled around to congratulate them for another meeting well done.

“So Lapis, sorry you’ve been missing meetings?”

“I honestly am. That was some stellar stuff, Shorty.”

Peridot beamed, and the other three seemed to let out a collective breath, now standing closer to Lapis.

The moment was interrupted by Lapis’ phone. She picked it up to see five missed calls from Jasper and three voicemails.

“Oh, jeez . . .” Lapis turned from the group, already too aware of what Jasper’s messages were going to be.

“Where the hell are you? I saw you drive away today, why are you avoiding me? You better have a good excuse.”

Lapis listened to several minutes of similar tirades before exiting her messages, growling with frustration. A small hand tapped her shoulder, and she whirled around to see a concerned Peridot.

“Is she angry?”

“Yeah, that’s one way of putting it.”

“Do you need help? Maybe you should spend the night?”

Lapis thought, then shook her head. “No, the longer I’m gone, the angrier she’ll be. I should probably just go home and deal with it.”

“Well, if you need anything, call me. I’ll do what I can.” They smiled weakly, knowing exactly how limited they were.

Lapis smiled softly, placing her hand on their shoulder. “Thanks. I’ll call you tomorrow, let you know what’s up.” She looked at the other three, all wearing slightly worried expressions. “Thanks for letting me tag along.” With that, she left the room, anxiety filling her stomach more with every step she took closer to Jasper.


	11. Chapter 11

Lapis slowly pushed her door open, not sure what to expect. Jasper sat on the couch, her knuckles white from her hands clenched so tight. An empty glass sat in front of her, probably the remnant of some whiskey. She made no movement when Lapis entered the room, but spoke, deathly quiet.

“Were you with them?”

Lapis stayed silent, not knowing how to respond.

“Were you with your nerd crush?”

“They were doing their class thing tonight, and I figured I should support them.”

“Oh. Okay.” They sat still, facing straight forward.

Before Lapis could react, Jasper grabbed the glass and threw it hard, sending Lapis’ easel to the floor. She was on her feet now, glaring at Lapis with the fury of a wounded animal.

    “I saw you leave.” Jasper still spoke softly. “You pulled up, saw my car, and pulled away to go be with them, didn’t you?”

    “I just needed to think about some stuff.” Lapis could feel her chest growing tight again.

    “What is there to think about? Apparently you’d rather spend time with that little gremlin than with me.” Her volume grew with every word.

    Lapis gritted her teeth. “Maybe if you didn’t call them things like ‘little gremlin’.”

    “Why are you so insistent on defending them?”

    “Because they’re my only friend in this godforsaken town! Why are you so insistent on attacking them?! You are so--”

    “So what?” Jasper had edged closer and closer to Lapis, now standing toe to toe with her. Lapis could hear her teeth grinding.

    Lapis narrowed her eyes and spat the words out. “-- _ threatened _ by them.”

    Jasper raised her arm up and across her shoulder. Lapis stared at the threat of violence in front of her, and a strange smile crept onto her face. Jasper had never touched her before. Suddenly, Lapis was snickering, then giggling, then practically howling with laughter, surprising the both of them.

    Jasper slowly lowered her arm. “Why are you laughing? What’s wrong with you?”

    Lapis sat on the couch, holding her sides. For a few minutes, the only sound in the apartment was her laughter. This was followed by several moments of silence as Jasper stared bewildered at Lapis, who looked down at the floor.

    When Lapis looked up again, her eyes were bloodshot, and tears were streaming down her face, her smile utterly gone. “You didn’t change.”

    Jasper looked like she had been punched in the stomach.

    “I wanted it to be true, and I know you wanted it to be true, but you didn’t change, Jasper.” She sniffled and wiped her face, scoffing. “Did you even try?”

    “That’s not fair! You can’t say that I didn’t try.” Jasper was now sitting on the couch, clutching Lapis’ arm desperately. “I’m trying to change.”

    Lapis didn’t seem to register Jasper’s grip. “Are you? Because this feels exactly like what we did before. How many nights are we going to spend screaming at each other? And based on tonight, it’s only going to get worse.

    “No,” Lapis continued, “I’m done. Maybe you really mean what you’re saying about trying to change, but we can’t keep doing this.” She stood up, roughly shaking Jasper off. “I’ll give you a few days to move out.”

    Jasper stared up at her, trying hard to breathe around the lump in her throat. Suddenly, she leaned back into the couch ,deflated. Lapis went into the kitchen, washing a stray spoon noisily. When she finished, she shoved it in a drawer and turned to see Jasper standing in front of her, looking smaller than she had ever seen her.

    “You keep saying I didn’t change. Maybe you’re right. But please, I’m not lying when I say that I tried. I thought I could be better this time. For you, for us.”

    Lapis smiled sadly. “I know.”

    The two women looked at each other, unsure what else there was to say. Jasper sniffled and grabbed a large gym bag, slowly throwing clothes and toiletries in. Lapis watched, strangely disconnected. When Jasper was finished, she turned to Lapis, her jaw set firmly.

    “I’m going to a hotel tonight. I’ll be back tomorrow for everything else, I guess. Not that there’s much.” She let out a dry laugh. “I’m sorry.”

    Lapis only shook her head. “It’s easy enough to say. You keep saying it, but you never did anything about it.”

    Jasper said nothing, but quickly disappeared through the door. Lapis could hear her car power on and pull away slowly. Pumpkin stuck his head out cautiously, staring up at Lapis with confusion on his face.

    “It’s okay, boy. Stuff is going to get better now.”

 

    The next morning, Jasper quickly and quietly threw her belongings into her car, saying nothing to Lapis. A few times she turned to her, another apology on her lips, but Lapis’ flat expression kept her silent every time. After a couple hours, her car was full, and Jasper faded back into Crystal City.

    Once she was gone, Lapis collapsed onto her couch, exhausted. She knew that Jasper wouldn’t call this time around. There was a peculiar sense of hope that felt crushing. She grabbed her phone, dialling Peridot’s number.

    “Hey, Lapis. How’d last night go?” Peridot sounded anxious.

    “Well, she moved out this morning, so . . . good?”

    “You two broke up?”

    “That would appear to be the case.”

    There was a moment of silence, and somehow Lapis knew that Peridot was jumping with glee. When she returned to the phone, however, she managed to sound appropriately solemn. “Did she take it okay?”

    “Surprisingly well. To answer your question, she didn’t change. I can’t say she wasn’t trying, though.”

    “How are you feeling?”

    Lapis sighed. “Maybe a little sad, but that’s only because change is always weird. I’m doing okay, thanks.”

    “Would it be appropriate to invite you to hang out this evening?”

    Lapis let out a small laugh. “Honestly, if it’s okay with you, you should come over here. Might help it feel a little less empty.”

    “Sounds good, I’ll have Pearl drop me off again.”

    “See you then.”

    “Bye.”

 

    Peridot stared down at her phone, a huge grin plastered on her face. Jasper was gone! She rolled on her bed, hugging herself and laughing triumphantly. She didn’t care at the moment what happened next, she was just happy her friend had gotten out.

    She sat up, chewing her lip. What would happen next? If Lapis had been uneasy about relationships before, she’d be totally shut down now. Peridot frowned, but was surprised to realize that she didn’t necessarily care about being with Lapis. Obviously, it’d still be a dream come true, but if Lapis just wanted to be friends, she could do that. She wouldn’t be defined by the blue-haired girl.

    Peridot rolled out of her bed, reaching under to grab the suitcase where she kept her clothes. In the back was a rainbow shirt that she had, surprisingly, only worn once or twice. Today felt like an appropriate occasion, however. She shrugged off her pajamas, keen to see her friend. 

    As she pulled the shirt on over her head, she caught a glimpse of one of her models, a blue and purple Plesiosaurus with the tail broken off from her bad night. An idea crept into her mind, and she snagged the model, her trash can, and the glue she always kept on the desk for such an occasion. 

    As her fingers set to work, she thought about yesterday. Her face burned as she thought of Lapis falling asleep on her shoulder, her face more peaceful than she had ever seen it. No, that was a lie. She had seen that expression once, immediately after  _ The Cluster _ .

    After some time she leaned back, inspecting the strange little object in her hands. If anyone could appreciate it, it would be Lapis. Peridot leapt up to grab her phone, eager to get over as soon as she could.

    A short drive later, Peridot stood in front of the gates again, her present for Lapis wrapped in a couple of grocery bags that were lying around her room. Lapis’ face quickly appeared, and Peridot couldn’t help but wave excitedly. 

    “Digging the shirt, Shorty. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any gayer.” Lapis had a huge smile on her face, bigger than any Peridot had seen before. “What’s that?” She asked, pointing to the bundle of plastic in her hands.

    “It’s a little present for you, if that’s okay.” Peridot lifted her chin haughtily, hiding how suddenly nervous she was at what Lapis’ reaction would be.

    The two poured into Lapis’ apartment, and Peridot was amazed to see it exactly as it was the last time she was there. Whatever presence had been left of Jasper, it had been cleanly erased. The only difference she could see was a new easel in the corner, by Lapis’ bed. On it was an unfinished painting in various shades of blue. She didn’t notice the larger canvas stuck under Lapis’ bed.

    As Peridot got closer to examine, she realized that it was a self portrait of Lapis. The watercolors portrayed a fantastical image of Lapis soaring through the sky, carried by a pair of what appeared to be wings made of water. She looked triumphant.

    “Guitar and painting, you really do do everything.”

    Lapis shrugged, blushing. “It’s alright. I just slapped on the wings a couple of days ago when I didn’t know what else to do.”

    “Lapis, this really is beautiful.” Peridot studied the painting for another minute or so before turning to Lapis, her gift held in outstretched hands. “Here, a sort of . . . housewarming present.”

    “But I’ve lived here for a year.”

    “No, I know, for us. Our friendship.” 

    Lapis raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as she slowly started peeling away the layers of thin plastic. When she finally uncovered the gift, she simply stared.

    A little blue dinosaur had been rearranged violently, its limbs broken and reattached until it was holding a wire and paper flag consisting of pink stripes in the air, a badly molded boot planted firmly on what appeared to be a plastic spoon with an angry face scribbled on. It was utter garbage, and Lapis loved it.

    She was suddenly aware of Peridot anxiously rambling about the use of the lesbian flag and walked over to her, shutting her up with a bone-crushing hug.

    “It’s amazing. Thank you.”

    “You’re very welcome,” came the muffled reply. Lapis still held on, Peridot’s arms slowly coming to rest in their own embrace around the taller woman. They stood like this for several minutes, gently swaying. Lapis rested her chin on Peridot’s head, shocked at how soft her hair was. Peridot closed her eyes, listening to the slow rhythm of Lapis’ heartbeat.

    Slowly, they extricated themselves from each other, both strangely out of breath. Lapis felt her chest flutter when she saw Peridot wearing an expression she knew all too well. She quickly pulled away. “Do you want some tea? I have some veggie burritos in the fridge too.”

    “Sure, sounds good.” Peridot sat quietly on the couch, softly squealing when Pumpkin came to rest his head on Peridot’s lap. Lapis came over with two cups of cinnamon tea, sitting next to Peridot in silence. The two sat and sipped their tea, gently leaning into each other. Lapis looked over at Peridot, who was focused entirely on trying to get Pumpkin to roll over so she could rub his tummy. She didn’t know how to feel. Last time she felt butterflies in her stomach, she had wanted to throw up from the fear. Now, those butterflies felt harmless. 

    “I never said ‘thank you’,” Lapis muttered.

    Peridot looked over, her eyebrows raised. “For the sculpture? You did.”

    “No, I mean—” Lapis waved her hands in front of her, her tea sloshing dangerously. “For letting me back in. You didn’t have to. I’d understand if you didn’t.” Lapis stared down into her tea, looking her wavy reflection in the eyes.

    “I almost didn’t,” Peridot admitted softly. “You really hurt me. It felt like . . . like I wasn’t good enough for you. Like everything I did would just drive you away.” She drank her tea greedily, forcing herself to shut up for a moment. When Lapis didn’t say anything, she brought the cup down, tapping it nervously. “But it’s okay. I’m okay with how we are. I’m glad we’re getting back to normal, whatever normal is. I’m done tearing my hair out. I’m going to follow Pearl’s advice and keep looking forward.”

    Lapis took a large gulp of her tea, savoring the heat that bordered on painful. She looked over at her friend and nodded. “Keep moving forward.”


	12. Chapter 12

Lapis could not move forward.

Every day she went to hang out with Peridot, she could feel her thoughts growing more and more similar to how they were when she first saw them, when she first went to Big Coffee with them. Peridot no longer frightened her (how had she ever been frightened of them?); she looked forward to sitting on their bed and watching  _ Camp Pining Hearts _ , which was slowly growing on her. She had taken to watching Peridot instead of the screen during the most dramatic scenes. It was far more rewarding to watch them chewing on their nails, their eyes wide as they watched whatever scrape Percy and Pierre had gotten themselves into resolve itself, eventually cheering and kicking their feet with glee. Far, far more rewarding.

After one such evening, Lapis stood outside Peridot’s door, grumbling. That episode had been particularly emotional, and the two had ended up leaning against each other, squeezing hands as Paulette was forced to choose between Percy and Pierre; the episode had ended in a cliffhanger and, frustrated blind, Peridot and Lapis decided to end their viewing for the night there, making the resolution that much better. Now that she was standing outside, however, the thrill of the episode had faded and all she could focus on was how close she had been to Peridot all night. The blood rushed to her face and she groaned a little louder.

As if on cue, the door next to Peridot’s opened and Garnet stuck their head out, wearing a strange little smile. “Hello, Lapis.”

“Oh, hey Garnet. Sorry if I bothered you.”

“Not at all. Why don’t you come in?”

Lapis hemmed and hawed for a moment before slowly entering Garnet’s room. It was a cozy affair, lit up by a few lava lamps arranged across the top of a bookcase. Dotting the bookcase were a few snow globes from various tourist sights. Lapis raised her eyebrows.

“My family travels a lot, and I find them calming.” Garnet sat down on their bed, patting next to themselves. Lapis sat obediently, unsure what was going on.

“So, how long have you been having feelings for Peridot?” Lapis wheezed, staring up at Garnet, who wore the patient expression of someone who had simply asked what she had thought of the weather recently.

“I mean . . . I always liked her. I guess I just re-realized after Jasper left.” Lapis tapped her hands on her legs, looking back and forth between Garnet and her lap. Garnet nodded, their eyes hidden as always behind their aviators. Frankly, it made Lapis uneasy.

“Are you going to do anything about it?” Garnet never once looked away from the blue-haired girl.

Lapis shook her head, slowly at first but then more violently. “Peridot has clearly made up their mind to just look forward and stay friends, they’ve told me as much. Besides, I just got out of a bad relationship; I’m starting to think that I should just leave them alone for awhile. Or forever.”

Garnet’s smile broadened. “I may be okay with never having a relationship, but are you? Avoidance is avoidance by any name.”

Lapis huffed, standing up and pacing in front of the bed. “I’ve already shut down Peridot once, maybe even twice if Jasper is considered a shut-down. If I ask them now, why wouldn’t they just tell me to get the hell out? I’d be the world’s biggest hypocrite!” She paused, rubbing her face slowly. “Relationships scare me. You’re trapped with another person, and I’ve been trapped too hard too many damn times to really want to try again.”

“So you don’t want a relationship with Peridot.”

Lapis opened her mouth to agree with Garnet, to affirm that was exactly what she wanted. What came out instead was “that’s not what I said”. She smacked her forehead against her palm and avoided looking at Garnet, who was managing to look quite amused, even with practically half their face covered. Lapis let out a mournful sigh and sat back down next to Garnet, who simply patted her back.

“Garnet, what happens if I hurt them again? I couldn’t live with that. It’s easier for everyone if I just stay where I am and they stay where they are.”

To Lapis’ surprise, Garnet thumped her lightly on the back of the head, frowning. They took off their sunglasses, looking Lapis straight in the eyes.

“If you really want what’s easy and safe, go right ahead. But Peridot told Amethyst that she had met a girl who was willing to punch Nazis in the face to do what was right. You don’t do safe and easy, and I don’t think you should start now, Lapis.” They clasped Lapis’ shoulders, their eyes narrowing intently. “Don’t do anything tonight. You go home and you think long and hard about what you want. Tomorrow, I know you’ll do the right thing, whatever it may be.” They stood up suddenly. “You should head out, visiting hours are going to be over soon and Pearl is  _ very _ strict about that.”

Lapis somehow found herself behind the wheel of her Volvo, unsure how she had left the building. She put the car in drive, quietly coasting home. 

When she got to her apartment, her eyes immediately turned to her easel. She walked over and calmly put on a blank campus, grabbing some yellows and greens. As she began to lay the first brushstrokes, her mind turned back to Garnet’s intervention. How could they be so sure she would do the right thing, when she’d already put Peridot through so much?

She frowned, painting over an errant brushstroke. What would have happened if she hadn’t run away from Peridot’s kiss? If she had kept up the strength to tell Jasper off and leave her in the past where she belonged? Her frown cut even deeper lines in her face and she kept on painting, biting her lip as the picture began to slowly take a rudimentary shape she could mold into something far better. These questions were pointless. Like Peridot had said, she had to look forward.

Lapis sighed and dropped her arm. What did that even mean at this point? She had been trying and failing to look forward for some time now. All it led to was pointless decisions and awkward situations. She sat down on the couch, patting Pumpkin’s head when he came over. Did she want a relationship with Peridot? She could barely ask herself the question before a million and one anxieties filled her mind, every possible bad scenario pressing down on the base of her skull. She took a deep breath and tried again. 

    “Do I want to be in a relationship with Peridot?” The apartment stayed silent, unwilling to answer her question. Even Pumpkin looked like he was hiding something. She stretched out on the couch. “Do I want to date Peridot? Do I want to call them my partner?” She looked down at her feet, thinking about sitting on the couch and eating curry while listening to Against Me!. She felt a goofy little grin crawl across her face and wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or fling herself to the floor.

    Lapis absolutely wanted to date Peridot.

 

    A week later Lapis sat in a classroom full of others, listening to the end of Peridot’s speech on the evolution of laws pertaining to the LGBT community. She had broken her pencil in half when Peridot had mentioned how only two states had disallowed the “trans panic” defense in court, but was otherwise silent. Pearl and Amethyst sat next to her, looking at each other from time to time. Lapis was hardly verbose, but they were uneasy with how focused she seemed to be. Garnet sat leaning back, staring straight forward. 

    There were the usual few stragglers to talk to Peridot, and again Peridot found themselves alone with their four friends.

    “I did okay tonight?”

    Amethyst rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why you keep asking us when you keep nailing it!” Peridot blushed slightly but said nothing otherwise. They looked over at Lapis, who simply smiled and offered a small thumbs-up, which was promptly returned.

    The five strolled back to the dorm room, Lapis walking side by side with the rest. The evening was warm, and Pearl noted aloud how much brighter it was at this hour than last month. Summer was creeping up, and they were all excited to spend some time away from school.

    Back at the dorm, Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst quickly disappeared to their rooms, leaving Lapis alone with Peridot. Behind the monitors this time was a girl with a blue pixie cut that covered her eyes, sitting silently and almost perfectly still. The two found a couch in the corner of the lobby and began to discuss the finer points of the night.

    “I still can’t believe that it took until 2003 for freaking sodomy laws to be struck down.” Lapis clenched her jaw, bitter.

    Peridot shrugged. “Puritan nation, what do you expect?”

    Lapis rolled her eyes. “I’d  _ hope _ for common sense, but that’s pretty damn rare these days.”

    “Yeah, let me know if you find some, my reserves are running low.”

    Lapis snickered before lapsing into silence for a moment. “Do you want to walk outside? It’s probably starting to get dark, so I don’t know if you want to.”

    Peridot stood up, stretching their arms. “Sure. We can go the courtyard if you want, find a bench or something.”

    “Sounds good.”

    The two marched past the blue-haired RA, who remained statue-like in her seat.

    “Is she always like that?” Lapis pointed a thumb back at the dorm when they had gotten outside.

    “I don’t know, she’s new. I heard she’s the blonde girl’s sister, and it’s a family favor. She’s actually nice enough to talk to, whenever she says more than three words.”

    Lapis nodded. “A woman after my own heart.”

    They quickly found themselves in a small field outlined by a couple of metal benches. Peridot relaxed into one, stretching their legs out wide. “Nice night.”

    Lapis slowly sank down next to them, hyper-conscious of the small space between them. For a few minutes she twiddled her thumbs, trying to figure out her words. Peridot didn’t notice, perfectly content with looking up at the stars.

    “I’m glad Beach City is small,” they said after a long silence.

    “What do you mean?”

    “Just look at the stars. You can’t find something like that in a huge city, too much light pollution.”

    Lapis looked up with Peridot, staring at the night sky. For all the time she had been in Beach City, she had never noticed how vibrant the stars were. They filled the sky until the night was more white and blue than black, connecting together into a cloudy tangle of distant suns and planets.

    “Lapis, are you crying?”

    Lapis wiped her eyes, embarrassed. “They’re really pretty, okay?”

    Normally, Peridot wouldn’t be above teasing Lapis, playfully calling her a sap. Tonight, however, she saw a strange light in her eyes that kept her quiet. It wasn’t the wild spark of the woman who blasted old folk music, nor the muted glow of Lapis’ deadpan that nonetheless revealed how much she was enjoying herself. This was the soft flicker of an individual appreciating beauty in all of its forms; to Peridot’s surprise, it didn’t seem to diminish any when she looked at them.

Peridot found themselves standing on the edge of a cliff again, threatening to topple back into a strange, familiar space. With every ounce of strength they could muster, they looked up again at the stars, restoring their balance securely. They wouldn’t make the same mistake as last time.

Lapis, however, had felt that same cliff crumple into dust under her feet. “Peridot, can you explain moving forward to me?”

They looked back at Lapis, their nose wrinkled in confusion. “Come again?”

“After I broke up with Jasper, you said that it was important to keep looking forward, for yourself and for me too, but you never explained what that meant. I need you to tell me.” Lapis was now sitting cross legged on the bench, facing Peridot, staring at them intently.

Peridot recognized Lapis’ look of dissection all too well. “I guess . . . Just not getting hung up on the past, driving yourself nuts with what you want when you can’t have it, or shouldn’t have it. Just, you know, keeping on.” They refused to look at Lapis, who was now leaning forward.

“That doesn’t sound fun.”

“It’s not,” Peridot admitted, “but sometimes it’s what you need.”

“But what if that’s not looking forward? If you’re marking yourself by just refusing to look at the past, isn’t that still just being driven by the past?”

Peridot flushed. “I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s a great idea. I just know that it works well enough.”

Lapis slowly reached forward, placing her hand on Peridot’s. When they didn’t flinch, she began to speak softly. “Maybe looking forward isn’t hiding from the past and just trudging to some destination you can only hope is there.” She took a deep breath. “Peridot, I really like you.”

Peridot smiled, sadly. “I know, and I know that you can’t do a relationship either. It really is okay. Like I said, moving forward.”

Lapis squeezed Peridot’s hand, hard. “That’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m moving forward. I’m terrified, but that’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid, to not know.” She shifted forward more, her face close to Peridot’s. “It’s only being stuck in the past if you don’t learn. You can be in the exact same situation you were in, but if you learned, you’re still moving forward.

“So, I’m going to learn. May I kiss you?”

Peridot nearly fell off of the bench, barely saved by a laughing Lapis. They took a few deep breaths, clutching their sides. “You’re not joking?”

Lapis shook her head violently. “I totally understand if you say no. I totally understand if you walk away from me right now. I honestly have no right asking you for a relationship after everything I did to you. But I had a talk with a good friend recently, and they told me to do the right thing and not play it safe. This is about as not safe as I can imagine.” She laughed, a small nervous titter.

A few seconds ticked by as they stared at each other, neither daring to move the smallest muscle. Then Peridot, almost invisibly, leaned forward. 

It was the answer she needed. Lapis cupped Peridot’s face gently, closing her eyes as she got her first proper kiss from the fluffy dork who had put her through the strangest hell over the last few months. Peridot’s arms slipped around her, holding her tight. There was no sound from either as the kiss stretched on.

It took a bit, but they eventually pulled away from each other, flushed red and giggling. Their hands quickly found each other and laced together, and their heads rested against each others.

“Did you say ‘relationship’?” Peridot asked in a hoarse whisper. Lapis squeezed their hands but made no other response. Peridot chewed their lip, thinking.

“Yes, but on one condition.”

Lapis pulled away, looking at them in confusion. “What’s that?”

“I get to wear your jacket. That thing is freaking awesome.”

“It’s almost summer, you’re going to roast.”

“I’ll wear it in my room! I have AC!”

Lapis rolled her eyes and kissed Peridot again, a little less gently. This little nerd was going to be the death of her, and she didn’t mind one bit.


	13. Epilogue

Peridot sighed happily, watching with amusement as Pumpkin’s head rose and fell with her stomach. She glanced down at her watch. Lapis would be home in just a few minutes.

Summer had blindsided the four students, but they had somehow managed to get through finals without too many tears. Now they only had one year left before graduation. Lapis had given Peridot the spare key to her apartment, and, now that she finally had a car, Peridot would drive in on the weekends she could and spend the early afternoon relaxing with Pumpkin, occasionally doing Lapis’ dishes.

The doorknob rattled and Pumpkin bolted, kicking Peridot hard in the stomach as he did so. Lapis opened the door to see her dog going wild with excitement and her partner rolling on the ground, whining in pain.

“You know he’s going to do it. This is what, the fifth time?”

Peridot looked up at her girlfriend accusingly. “Are you suggesting that I  _ don’t _ let this beautiful beast rest on me when he wishes?”

Lapis shrugged, hiding her smile. “You got me there. How was your week?”

“Same old. I think the computer store is going to call me back though, their manager seemed to like me.”

“That’s great!” Lapis grabbed some iced chais from the fridge and went over to the couch, placing one carefully into Peridot’s hands. The two drank quickly, enjoying the coolness.

“So,” Lapis mumbled after she had finished her drink, “I was wondering if you wanted to spend the night, maybe?”

Peridot whipped her head around, her eyes wide. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah, really. I know I got kind of weird when you asked last time, but I think I’m ready.”

Peridot knocked her tea back as quickly as possible, grabbing her belongings from around her. “Let me go home and grab everything and tell my parents and I’ll be back in half an hour!” She yelled the last few words as she leapt out the door.

 

That night, Peridot was very comfy in her tank top and alien boxers, while Lapis chose an old band shirt. Lapis had gotten into bed first, with Peridot carefully slipping in next to her, keeping a small distance. Just as she had closed her eyes, she heard a groggy voice:

“You can get closer. I like being little spoon.”

Peridot blinked a few times, grunted a response, and slung her arm over Lapis, pulling her close. Lapis responded by scooching back into Peridot even more, holding her arm tight. They closed their eyes, and their breathing slowed to a gentle rhythm. Pumpkin slept on the couch, gently snoring.

It had been six months since Lapis had walked through the door to Peridot’s class, hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Six months since Peridot had sat across Lapis at the coffee shop, confused and excited by this strange woman who showed an interest in her. Now they slept peacefully, their dreams calm and rolling that night. They would never stop looking forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of Blogs and Boots! Thank you so much for reading my first fic; it was a hell of a ride making this, and I'm so glad I did.  
> Biggest of shout-outs to my girlfriend who introduced me to Steven Universe and who edited this for me.  
> Thank you to the other SU/Lapidot writers who were so supportive and kind with their words!  
> It might be a bit, but I'll be posting new stuff in no time.  
> Once again, thank you!


End file.
